Regrets of the Dying

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Hello my devils & ghouls.

Today while I was on the dreaded Facebook I came along this picture:

 

I apologize I forgot the page I found it on!

I apologize I forgot the page I found it on!

 

This post made me think a lot about what we take for granted in life. We sometimes put too much of ourselves up to please others around us and live the life they want for us (which I’m guilty of). We over work ourselves to satisfy the “keep up with the Jones’s” mentality that we’ve been brainwashed in. We tend not to share our honest feelings due to the overly sensitive society we live in. We ignore our friends and become anti-social. And we also tend to keep ourselves in a mentality that isn’t all to helpful.

This of course, is just my opinion / observation.

I know that when it comes to my time on the death bed, I DONOT want any of the above to be coming out of my lips. I want to share stories of grand times, bad times, accomplishments, and failures. I want to be able to pass on wisdom to whomever will be listening there on my death bed. I want to leave a mark that even though you can be a little wonky in the head, you can make a difference in yourself and those around you.

Just recently, I got a part time job to help the family business. I started to make new friends and even bump into old ones! The reconnection with the old friends made me feel good inside! Even though it’s been a long time, we picked up where we left off.

I started to realize how much I let the anxiety and depression get to me. I am missing out on a lot. For the first time in years, I actually sang and played my bass without any worry if I screwed up or not. Why? Because screw ups will show me what I have to work on. I’m NOT perfect. I’ve tried so long to be perfect in someone else’s image. But I’m not going to do that anymore.

Mercy is just Mercy.

And will always be Mercy.

 

I don’t want to have any regrets when I’m Dying… How about you?

 

– Mercy

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Dream – Positive Ouija Board & The Stranger – What does it mean?

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Hey Creeps. 

Last night, despite my over stressing, I slept very well. Honestly, it may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to someone that barely sleeps ever. I slept so good and woke up with high spirits! 

My dream: 

In my dream, I started off sitting on my lawn and a stranger came up to me. She was a woman of about 45 and dressed in women’s clothing from 1700s. She smiled at me and took my hand. 

Part One: I was dreaming about the business. I was at a meeting with people I didn’t know. it was some committee and I had to prove that I was worth the risk to loan me business credit. After the meeting, I had a smile on my face and a ouija board popped up in my dream. It kept saying positive messages such as yes, forward, accomplish, and the company of which I’m seeking a loan from. Anyone know what this part means?

Part two: My boyfriend and I were on the road together. In a band with some of his pals he recently re-connected with. We were having a good time. This girl tried to come between us but failed and he kept announcing how we’re together forever. She kept trying because she used to be associated with him in the past but she never succeeded and it all of a sudden started to flash before my eyes. All good memories and events that happen to us in our journey together. Two orbs came out of our bodies and intertwined. What does that mean?

Part 3: The positive ouija board came out again. With words of encouragement. Esther is the woman’s name. She says she’s my spirit guide and but couldn’t speak so she spelled out. She wanted me to feel better and know I’m on the right track. 

 

 

– I researched the name Esther circa 1700s… she used to live on my property. One of the first people to be in my town. She claimed in my dream to have been watching me a long time and she will guide the way. 

 

– What does this dream all mean?!

I have had positive energy and a smile on my face ever since the dream. I couldn’t stop smiling even when I try. What is going on?!

 

 

You Just Know…

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So many of us spend too much time wondering what if and doubting the lovely world around us. When something is going great – we tend to look at what could happen instead of the beautiful reality before us. Many people say I’m too young to know my emotions fully and that “living in sin” with my boyfriend is an entirely bad idea. I always get asked: How do you know you want to be with him long term? The thing is, you just know. When you have an argument, you can’t walk away because you’re so worried if the other one is okay. You support them in their time of need, even when times are dark. You become a team of one, instead of two individuals lost within the world. Your souls intertwine at a spiritual level. I may be a young lady. I have much of this world ahead of me. But, I am confident in saying that I know he will always be there. Through the amazing and through the horrid. It’s a feeling within my gut, heart, and soul. It’s an unexplainable connection, which is why it’s so hard to answer the question. It’s one of those things people have to experience first hand!

Don’t be Afraid! Stop What Iff-ing and start living!

Myself and my love.

Myself and my love.

 

We met awhile back and started discussing music, dreams, films, etc. and noticed we had a lot in common. It wasn’t before long, we went from friends to lovers. Even as friends, we could both sense there was something more to the relationship. When angry, we never fail to bring a smile upon our faces. When things are horrid, we keep each other afloat against the waves of the sea of depression. I never thought I could meet someone so dear to me. Feel so much emotion and feel so alive!

After living hours away from each other, we decided to move in together. It was the best thing we could do for our lovely relationship. Why? Because it made us stronger. We no longer had to feel depressed when the other was gone away due to technological difficulties and such.

Our connection is deep and unique. We can feel each others emotions. We instantly know when something is wrong. We walk the same path. Faithfulness and Loyalty is still out there in the sea of the unfaithful. I found my love and you can find yours.

 

 

 

New Chapter – Out with the Old.

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New Chapter: 

Step One: Out with the Old

Creeps,

         My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.

         This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.

         We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.

  What I did:

  • Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
  • Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
  • Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
  • Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
  • Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)

Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity

-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html

– Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment

Battle with Insecurities

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My Battle with Insecurities

Dearest Creeps,

                I thought I would share my experience with insecurities to sort of help people that stumble upon this blog. Please, forgive me for my horrible wording and blunt nature. I just have to be myself, and this blog isn’t an attack on anyone. (It’s sad that now I have to type that disclaimer.) I battled with insecurities for a long time. Mainly because I was uncomfortable with who I was and never showed it to the public eye of what I was going through within my mind, body, and soul. I am a very private individual, only usually sharing my opinions on certain subjects. But, I see a lot of people going through what I had to go through and I don’t want people to almost hit rock bottom like I have.

              I was the person in the back of the classroom, that the teachers didn’t ever know if I was actually present or just skipping school. The bookworm, rocking the “Cousin It” hair do and voted “Most Independent” & “Quietest” in a high school yearbook. I’m a short person, in need of braces, dealing with personal issues at the time and struggles that almost completely devoured my sanity. At first, I didn’t really have a specific outlet for my issues. I didn’t trust the friends that were around me because I was a very untrusting individual when it came to “outsiders” of myself.

              I was a victim of bullying – not only at school, but by my mother at home. I had to deal with feeling completely down about myself almost 24/7. I dumbed myself down so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pushed around. I didn’t want to be the smart kid or the person people pushed around at all. I was hiding who I really was – just to avoid people in general. I wanted nothing to do with the world around me.

           One thing I didn’t realize until my Junior year in high school  – I was my own worst enemy, my own personal bully. I dealt with social anxiety. I didn’t feel confident even doing a book report in front of the class and it was all becuase of what my brain was causing me to think about the audience. The fear over took me and I allowed my grades, friendships, work plummet all becuase of this issue.

          I am proud to say that I am over it. And here is how:

  1. Admit & Realize you are your own worst enemyHardest thing to do in all honesty. Mainly becuase as humans we don’t want to see the faults that we have. We always want to point the finger – and it’s wrong. Yes, there are other factors that can cause you to have a problem. But with insecurities, I found out that the worst enemy was myself! I started actually verbally beating myself down until I was in tears – Without even realizing it was the issue!
  2. Look it Over – Look it over! Picture the issue like a rock in your hands. Flip it over. Look at it all over. Notice what parts are smooth, what parts are rough and unpleasant to the touch. Identify what parts you’d like to smooth out.
  3. Out of the Box – Step out of your comfort zone. Honestly, I had to start making videos and talk more in public to get out of my fears and insecurities. I didn’t think my ideas or thoughts were important or helpful in any situation becuase for so long I was treated like I was the village idiot! Never be ashamed of what skills and thoughts you can offer to the table! We live in a society where intelligence is bashed for absolutely NO REASON!
  4. Find an Outlet/Hobby – I know, I know. This is in all the self-help books and pamphlets. But, honestly it’s quite helpful. I started to express myself through writing and music and picked up photography as a hobby. It helped me control the emotions and keep my mind on a thoughtful and correct track. Not only that, but it helped me build my confidence!
  5. Say your faults outloud! – Go lock yourself in the bathroom. Look at your faults – we all have them becuase we’re human. And mention them to yourself. Why the hell would I have you do this when I said stop bullying yourself? Because in order to be confident about yourself you have to be able to accept the fact that you are a human being. You aren’t perfect. You have faults. Here’s 3 things on my list: I have an overbite, I despise – My nose is crooked from when it was broken – I can be brutally honest and hurt people without realizing.
  6. Accept your faults – Accept you! – Life is too short to allow insecurities to stop you from achieving your dreams, goals and desires. Sometimes it’s up to you to light your own fire beneath yourself to get you going. Accept the fact that you aren’t perfect. That in life you never stop learning. That the world is an interesting place, that can teach us how to move forward instead of repeating history. That you are capable of going on doing your own thing and not have to worry about the asshole trying to knock you down becuase they are forever alone and most likely talk to a stuffed teddy bear named Lou.

I don’t know if my words mean anything to anyone out there in the world. And, I sure as hell am not a professional. I just want to tell you from my eyes and from my experience. If some of these things apply to you and help you – I’m glad. If not, it’s alright to becuase composing this blog post helped myself as an individual.

Never sell yourself into the bully’s word and become what they claim you are!

I must go. My stomach is alerting me that it is in need of some food. Away to the fridge.

Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona

Stereotypes – Who has time?

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Creeps,

I have been perusing around youtube and stumbled upon these idiotic rant videos about what is appropriate in what stereotype and what isn’t and how to be and all that horse crap. The one that annoyed me the most was this one:

 

Honestly, I think this girl is out for attention and has way to much time upon her hands to prove how “Goth” she is to the world. It’s like she has to justify her way of life for attention to convince herself that it’s okay. Here’s my view on stereotypes  or groups for that matter — my amount of give a f*cks is zero. Why do I say this? Because I am just me in this world. I don’t care if I get noticed by the billions of people on this planet or ignored. I am me. I don’t alter who I am to fit into a group of people. I love the music I love because it’s what I love. I dress the way I do becuase it’s what I love. I don’t spend my time dissecting what I can and can’t do just becuase I may be put into some social group.

My creeps – Be yourself. Don’t live for anyone else but yourself. And don’t have any fucks to give.

Childhood Memory – White Zombie & My first song

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Hello Creeps.

Whilst at work, I was watching the music video for White Zombie’s More Human than Human. When I was a little girl, I used to hear and watch this video all the time. That is the band that caught my attention with bass. Especially, since a female was on the bass guitar. Me being the little curly haired blonde that I was would secretly pretend I was Sean Yseult.

Image from Google Images.

Image from Google Images.

Yep. Thanks to Sean I was inspired to up the bass. Although it wasn’t easy. I first tried out drums. But drums didn’t feel “me” at all. I felt off. It wasn’t my place nor in my heart. In the school band I was a clarinetist, but at home I would start practicing bass material on this cheapo off-brand bass guitar that was picked up at a fire station garage sale. I’ve always been attracted to the sound of the bass. Whether it’s in a Groovy metal tone such as White Zombie, Heavy Doom like in Type O, and my favorite DISTORTION! For some reason, the sound of the bass felt in my heart. I could relate, pour my heart out and just play for hours.

Old Picture of good ol' Me.

Old Picture of good ol’ Me.

The first song that I came up with was of Halloween creatures. I would stand up in front of my grandma’s dishwasher – so I could see my reflection – and sing as loud and lovely as I could about the moon, the stars, and the “skelskins” (skeletons – gimmie a break! I was 3!). I would continue to sing on about how the creatures weren’t scary at all but how they were my friends. (if that didn’t hint to the fact that I would turn into this:

© Mercy Desdemona 2013

© Mercy Desdemona 2013

I do not know..)

Back to my tale, I would always sing songs that had a sort of story. All coming from my imagination. As a young adult, I see that I am still that person. Music is my calling and will never leave me. Being a vocalist and bass player means a lot to me. It’s where I know everything is okay. It’s where I know my imagination is still alive within me. Creativity never dies. I am proud to be of the imaginative kind. So many people grow up to become the stereotype that you must let dreams die and sacrifice your well being for it all.

That my friends, isn’t the case. What is the point of living life a lie when you could be living the life you’ve always wanted and enjoy it?

Have a dreadful Thursday mourning.

— Mercy Desdemona —