A Letter to my Ex

0

Dear Ex,

When we first met, I felt a spark right away. You were my world from day one and I thought I couldn’t find anyone better. I thought I could always count on you. We laughed, we kissed, we shared intimate moments. We traveled, hung out with movie stars and bands. We walked on beautiful trails that looked like they came directly out of a travel magazine. We walked through cemeteries and talked about our lives and what we wanted to do.

But, then you started acting different. Once you got what you wanted. You’re a drifter. You’re someone who doesn’t know loyalty. You made me feel bad for my issues instead of being there for me. You would blame me for everything going wrong when all I was doing was pleasing you. I gave my 100%. You drained me of all my life, my ambition. You’ve made me empty. I’m like the walking dead.

You kept me away from my closest friends! Made accusations about me, which I proved weren’t true. And then I found out the reason you were making these accusations what because YOU were the one sleeping around. You fucked another woman. You were flirting with women behind my back. Trying to get me to hate all women around you. You manipulated me and made me feel so small. You made me feel like an idiot. But, I loved you so. I didn’t see it.

Until one day, the girl came forward and admitted to what was going on. You were caught in your lie. I asked you to your face if what she was saying was true. You denied it. You looked right in my eyes and denied it. I felt my world crash down around me. I’m a closed off person to the world. I opened up to you about so many things. You used it all against me. In some sick game. You told me you loved to see people cry and weep after this was all said and done.

You thought I was going to be weak. A girl you could tame. But, that’s the opposite of who I am. I’m a warrior girl. I stand my ground. You didn’t like it. You never liked it when I proved you wrong. You started to hate me when your friends actually liked me. You hated it when your family liked me. I should have known then there was something wrong. Especially after being together for three years.

 

All the panic attacks, all the stress… was brought on by you. I was trying so hard to give you the world. But, now… with the help of my great friends that you kept from me… I’m finding myself again. I’m on the road to where I need to be. My friends accept me for who I am. They never ask me to change. They accept my insanity. They never make me feel small. Or try to push me around. They come to my aid when I need it. All this time I thought I was alone. I’m not. I’ve got people I can count on. And they like me the way I am. Both the good and the bad.

 

I guess I’m writing this in a way to say thank you for the hell. You made me realize I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was and that I deserve better out of my life. I’m glad we’re not together anymore. You were holding me back from my dreams and desires in life. While I will never forget the pleasant memories we shared, I would never want to be with you again. I’m closing my chapter with you. Good riddance.

  • Mercy

Depression break through?

0

Okay so I’ve been here on and off as I’ve tried to find myself and deal with my self loathing issues. Granted that my depression is still around, It’s more under control. After a severe mental break down yesterday, I came clear with my insecurities and worries to my love. I hadn’t talked to him about it before because I was afraid to come off as a crazy and lunatic woman. It felt good to be able to talk to him again. For a while, I have been shutting him out and only thinking negatively. Hence, the notes to myself. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him around.

 

Last night, I went to a gig and need to start compiling the DVD of the footage for the sirs in the band. My love got to play a little bit with the band and I’m happy for him! Since today is his birthday, I’m going to make it a very special day for him! 🙂 I guess, the major problem with depression is it turns us into monsters when we bottle up emotions. I refuse any pharmaceutical drugs as they make me physically ill and tired constantly. My love and I have agreed that when I get in my little slump, we’ll talk things out and I need to be more open with communication.

 

My brain is all scrambled up at the moment. it’s 8:19AM and I’m awake. Most likely because of the cold temperature in our house. Also, because I’m trying to get an insecurity out of my damned brain. I can’t wait to work on music though! It’s been a long time coming.

 

I guess, my break through was more of a break down/break through when I realized what a monster I had become. And I realized that I may have been hurting the feelings of the one man I love the most. Depression doesn’t just affect me, it also affected him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything to help me.

When indeed, he’s all I need.

 

– Mercy

How We Met

0

Hello Devils & Ghouls.

How I met my boyfriend was the same way that many people do in this day in age: The Web. There are a lot of dangers meeting someone on the web, but I felt good knowing that he was a driving distance of 3 hours away at the time. He also lived in an area where my family had frequently visited in the past. So that also helped me chill and not mistaking him for some online predator (sorry love!). We stated talking in July 2012 and grew to become best friends fast. We love the same music, same movies, and even have the same outlooks on love and relationships. Over time, we texted each other non-stop. We were ALWAYS there for each other when no one else would listen. We would Skype when we got home from work and even on the nights we didn’t have to work, we would have all night movie nights (Mainly silent films) and stay up all night and even fall asleep on webcam together.

There were a lot of people trying to break us up. But, it was to no avail. We have something special and that’s all that matters. We’re content and happy. We moved in together on Christmas in 2012. A lot of people thought it was too soon in their eyes, but we were feeling very strongly about it. So on the day before Christmas, my dad and I went down on the snowy roads 3 hours south to pick up my love. It was funny meeting in person for the first time and being all – awkward. Well I was more so than Will. Why? Because that’s just how I am.

We have been together a year and a few months now. And even though we’ve had our ups and downs we’re still here.

 

 

Plans for 2013

0

Creeps, 

I have set goals for myself in 2013. I have yet to do a damn one. Which is sort of…miserable. But, anyway – Revamping my list to do!

  • Tent Party 2013 – Party with a bunch of pals, live music, and camping!
  • Road trip 2013 – Go down to where my love is from and see all the places he wishes to show me.
  • First Tattoo – A birthday gift to me. I finally have the finalized version of my first tattoo sketched out. For me, this tattoo represents a milestone in my life. I look forward to getting it!
  • Break Loose – Get over my social anxiety! Stop fearing the world and take charge.
  • Play first gig – I want my band to get together and play their first gig! 
  • Purchase bass – Get a bass again. 
  • Graduate College – I got myself back into college! Now to finish up and graduate! Hopefully, this time around, I will network and make some friends. My love has told me that I should try too… so I will!
  • Create Positive Memories – I need some positive memories to look back on. This year marks the first year of a WHOLE NEW LIFE for me!

I want to start my life. Have great memories with my boyfriend, and friends. 

This life of just … wishing and dreaming has to stop. It has to move forward to achieving.

Good bye unstable life. Hello stable one.

– Mercy

 

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #1

0

Hello Creeps.

Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.

So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.

I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.

I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.

So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.

Here’s my game plan:

  • Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
  • Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
  • Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
  • Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
  • Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
  • Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.

 

Here we go my creeps.

Blood & Guts,

 

Mercy Desdemona

Waiting Game

0

Hello Creeps.

Let me tell you, nothing is more nerve racking than wondering about something that’s been on your mind so damn much. The funding, the music festival…It’s to the point where I’m exhausted and can’t sleep! It’s 6:31AM and I’ve been up since 4:30AM just wondering and pacing. The Jeopardy “Think Music” comes to play.

– Mercy Desdemona ~

Where have I Been? *Self Discovery*

0

Hello dear creeps.

I have missed you and I highly doubt you’ve missed my babble. The time has come for music fest to be just around the corner. We have to fix up some loose ends but that’s about it. Next weekend is the first ever Dissident Overdrive Music Festival! I am also hearing from my funding advisor about my business line of credit within the next 24-48 hours! A lot of anxiety, tears, happiness, and over all stressful schizophrenia has brought me to this point. I really hope I hear grand news after all my hard work. I am really anxious to get my proof of funding to hang up on my wall. 

Now that the music fest is underway, I can concentrate more on the ice cream shop. I have to work on a LOT of things. But it will all be taken care of. My brother has been made financial advisor which I think is appropriate since he is a mathematical genius and I’m mathematically challenged. 

Important things I’ve learned in this long, stressful process:

 

  • Pride = DAMAGE!: Having pride is a good thing in some cases, but having so much pride that you’re ashamed of asking for help isn’t good. It will make you a very resentful human being with a bunch of stress and anxiety.
  • Be yourself!:  Be 100% you. Don’t bend over backwards and allow people to walk on you. They get angry with you? So what. You’re being yourself and 100% true.
  • Let Go: Let go of any past experiences that may have made you into something your not. Don’t let the past hold you back from having an amazing future.
  • Surround yourself with a good team: Every person has unique strengths. Find their niche and put them in charge of that. A well-oiled machine goes a lot farther than one that sputters!
  • Confidence is key: Honestly, you can do it. Nay-sayers nay-say because they have nothing else to say. So… yeah. Ditch those lousy people and go for it. You life once. It’s better to have tried than wonder “what if”. 

 

Have a good day creeps.

 

Blood & guts,

Mercy