Dea

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Hello Me.

As you’re writing this, you are a super broke goth chick with brains and a heart of gold. Regardless of what is being thrown at you, you always turn out fine. You’re a fighter and all the fights are worth the battle. You will win the war and get out of this jail of poverty and be enlightened with what you need to move forward in this beautiful world. You are a moon child. Lover of the night. You are a dark rose waiting to blossom through the feet of snow. Even though, it keeps coming down heavy, wet, and cold. You know you’ll make it. You are a lovely creepy darling. You will have a successful blog and channel, successful music career, successful business… why? Because you can! You have the strength of a thousand men and even though you are reading these words right now with tears pouring down your porcelain face… you know deep inside it will be alright.

 

– Me.

Who were they?

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Good evening. 

           Lately, I have been in a curious mood and lately something has been pulling me in a strange direction. My mother was adopted when she was a baby back in the late 60s. And due to health concerns, she has been looking for the records but is having trouble because it was a Catholic Agency. The curiosity is there mainly because all she knows of her parents were that they were young and in college for music and arts. Could this be where my love for these things stems? I know where I get it on my father’s side, but not my mom’s side. It’s strange that I’m not the one adopted yet I feel the urgency to find out. Every time I go out in public, I could be seeing one of my relatives. Did they ever make it into the music and art world? What is the other half of my bloodline? I know my fathers has German/Polish/Austrian. Who is the other half of me? 

       Is this normal for me to feel this way? Even though I know my parents? Why am I so curious? Why should I give a damn about this? Could it just be my interest in figuring out mysteries? I don’t know. But one thing is for sure, that I would like to know. Even through all I’ve been through, and even though my parents aren’t together nor do they speak to each other, I would still like to know. It would be nice to know, even if they never want to say hello. 

 

I just need to know where to start looking.

 

 

Dear Wealthy

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Dear Wealthy People, 

 

                      I feel sorry for you. Thinking that myself and the fellow working class want all your money. We don’t. We don’t want your money nor your sixteen different homes and vacations spots. We don’t want your private jets, and limos. We don’t want your boringly stuffy parties. We just want to live comfortably without debt. We want to be able to keep our homes, and pay our bills. Hell, I don’t have a problem paying bills, if I had the chance to live comfortable and not worry bout how far I can push $45 for the week or month. Your paranoia and greed make you think you have the right to control. You don’t. You’re human beings such as we are. We are just of different classes. You will perish just like we will. And I’m not writing this out of angst. I’m writing this because it’s the damn truth. Enjoy your luxuries – but your luxuries come with people who are fake. While you have to look over your shoulder and be wary about who you talk about, I have true friends there for me. No matter what. I love every aspect of my life. The only thing I ask, is to live comfortably.

 

– Mercy

Return from Scare-A-Con!

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Hello Devils & Ghouls!

I have returned from Scare-A-Con today and I will admit I teared up a little when it was over. It was a very nice con and I made a lot of professional contacts! There were a few things missing though: The music choice was awkward… it could have been more eerie or Halloween like. And they needed to advertise better for the short films.

We did however…have an interesting run in with the owner of the bat mobile. I’m pretty sure his reputation is ruined for future conventions. He chased a friend of ours around the casino parking lot and building demanding he pay for a picture and stole his camera. He even when as far as having casino security and cops arrive. Now see, it was $10 to take a pic of the bat mobile if you crossed the line. A friend of ours came in late and the sign was taken down because they were closing up, so he snapped a picture and walked out. Instead of the man being polite about it saying “Excuse me sir, but there is a $10 charge for pics across the line…” He went bazurk and acting in an unprofessional manner. Vampire Santa lent my friend the $10 to pay the man off… but it was a very interesting birthday.

This week, there will be a lot of videos posted about the event and what we received at the event. Below are a FEW of the pictures I got at con. Enjoy!

– Mercy

 

 

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15 Things About Me Tag

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My dearest Devil’s and Ghouls,

It has been brought to my attention that I have been tagged in the cliched “15 things about me” tag. I was going to make this a video but decided to put it in blog format instead. Mostly becuase I am too lazy to get away from my Indiana Jones Marathon.

Here we go:

 

  1. I adore old cars and drive a 1966 Rambler myself.
  2. I am not someone you’d see talking in a crowd.
  3. I battle with the waves of depression.
  4. I can sense things about people without knowing them or pick up on people’s emotions rather quickly.
  5. I am a hobbyist photographer.
  6. I’m addicted to Type O Negative and The Bronx Casket Company.
  7. I enjoy the thunderstorms.
  8. I began singing at the age of 3.
  9. I talk to myself daily.
  10. I believe in spirits.
  11. I despise Dub step with a passion – even the word Dub step sends me into a tizzy.
  12. I am the owner of 400+ books which are scattered all over my residence, so when I get in the mood to pick up a book its a surprise.
  13. I am the owner of a B.C. Rich Warlock.
  14. I live with my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months with our cat, Harrington.
  15. My dream is to have a “castle” house built on my property and share it with my vampire King (my love) until we pass on.

 

There are 15 Things about Mercy.

Thank you for the comments and emails all that.

– Mercy Desdemona

Girls… Girls… Girls….

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A great part of a relationship is that you get to share your friends with your boyfriend, and you get to meet his. But it’s not always fun when the girls do nothing but harass and attempt petty drama. I get very defensive about my relationship, and I do NOT tolerate any over stepping boundaries or the fact that these “friends” are taking my boyfriend’s nice nature as something more than it is. I can honestly say, girls I distrust with a deep passion. They have to earn my trust. And so far, even when I’m nice… these chicks are harrassing me and trying to stir trouble. I don’t want my low confidence to kick in again, but sometimes it does….

 

New Chapter – Out with the Old.

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New Chapter: 

Step One: Out with the Old

Creeps,

         My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.

         This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.

         We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.

  What I did:

  • Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
  • Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
  • Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
  • Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
  • Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)

Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity

-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html

– Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment

Battle with Insecurities

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My Battle with Insecurities

Dearest Creeps,

                I thought I would share my experience with insecurities to sort of help people that stumble upon this blog. Please, forgive me for my horrible wording and blunt nature. I just have to be myself, and this blog isn’t an attack on anyone. (It’s sad that now I have to type that disclaimer.) I battled with insecurities for a long time. Mainly because I was uncomfortable with who I was and never showed it to the public eye of what I was going through within my mind, body, and soul. I am a very private individual, only usually sharing my opinions on certain subjects. But, I see a lot of people going through what I had to go through and I don’t want people to almost hit rock bottom like I have.

              I was the person in the back of the classroom, that the teachers didn’t ever know if I was actually present or just skipping school. The bookworm, rocking the “Cousin It” hair do and voted “Most Independent” & “Quietest” in a high school yearbook. I’m a short person, in need of braces, dealing with personal issues at the time and struggles that almost completely devoured my sanity. At first, I didn’t really have a specific outlet for my issues. I didn’t trust the friends that were around me because I was a very untrusting individual when it came to “outsiders” of myself.

              I was a victim of bullying – not only at school, but by my mother at home. I had to deal with feeling completely down about myself almost 24/7. I dumbed myself down so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pushed around. I didn’t want to be the smart kid or the person people pushed around at all. I was hiding who I really was – just to avoid people in general. I wanted nothing to do with the world around me.

           One thing I didn’t realize until my Junior year in high school  – I was my own worst enemy, my own personal bully. I dealt with social anxiety. I didn’t feel confident even doing a book report in front of the class and it was all becuase of what my brain was causing me to think about the audience. The fear over took me and I allowed my grades, friendships, work plummet all becuase of this issue.

          I am proud to say that I am over it. And here is how:

  1. Admit & Realize you are your own worst enemyHardest thing to do in all honesty. Mainly becuase as humans we don’t want to see the faults that we have. We always want to point the finger – and it’s wrong. Yes, there are other factors that can cause you to have a problem. But with insecurities, I found out that the worst enemy was myself! I started actually verbally beating myself down until I was in tears – Without even realizing it was the issue!
  2. Look it Over – Look it over! Picture the issue like a rock in your hands. Flip it over. Look at it all over. Notice what parts are smooth, what parts are rough and unpleasant to the touch. Identify what parts you’d like to smooth out.
  3. Out of the Box – Step out of your comfort zone. Honestly, I had to start making videos and talk more in public to get out of my fears and insecurities. I didn’t think my ideas or thoughts were important or helpful in any situation becuase for so long I was treated like I was the village idiot! Never be ashamed of what skills and thoughts you can offer to the table! We live in a society where intelligence is bashed for absolutely NO REASON!
  4. Find an Outlet/Hobby – I know, I know. This is in all the self-help books and pamphlets. But, honestly it’s quite helpful. I started to express myself through writing and music and picked up photography as a hobby. It helped me control the emotions and keep my mind on a thoughtful and correct track. Not only that, but it helped me build my confidence!
  5. Say your faults outloud! – Go lock yourself in the bathroom. Look at your faults – we all have them becuase we’re human. And mention them to yourself. Why the hell would I have you do this when I said stop bullying yourself? Because in order to be confident about yourself you have to be able to accept the fact that you are a human being. You aren’t perfect. You have faults. Here’s 3 things on my list: I have an overbite, I despise – My nose is crooked from when it was broken – I can be brutally honest and hurt people without realizing.
  6. Accept your faults – Accept you! – Life is too short to allow insecurities to stop you from achieving your dreams, goals and desires. Sometimes it’s up to you to light your own fire beneath yourself to get you going. Accept the fact that you aren’t perfect. That in life you never stop learning. That the world is an interesting place, that can teach us how to move forward instead of repeating history. That you are capable of going on doing your own thing and not have to worry about the asshole trying to knock you down becuase they are forever alone and most likely talk to a stuffed teddy bear named Lou.

I don’t know if my words mean anything to anyone out there in the world. And, I sure as hell am not a professional. I just want to tell you from my eyes and from my experience. If some of these things apply to you and help you – I’m glad. If not, it’s alright to becuase composing this blog post helped myself as an individual.

Never sell yourself into the bully’s word and become what they claim you are!

I must go. My stomach is alerting me that it is in need of some food. Away to the fridge.

Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona