The Cold, The Hungry, The Determined

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Hey Devils & Ghouls.

How’ve you been? I miss you guys lots and hope to come back full force with the first episode of Mercy’s Macabre and Review Fridays! I’ve been going through a major struggle in my life. So severe that sometimes I want to give in and just say screw it. But that’s not who I am. I know what it’s like to be frozen. I know what it’s like to go hungry. But my determination never dwindles. I’ve lived with self doubt too long. I know my strength. I just wonder sometimes if I should v-log about it or keep it to myself. You devils and ghouls that have supported me since the Morticia (Mercy) and Luna Show have been fantastic! I’m so glad to have met and at least chatted with a few of you guys. It’s amazing and I promise to come back. I miss it all!

My boyfriend has been my rock through all of this! Without him, I don’t think I would be as sane as I am in my current position. I’m still struggling to get my family’s business going. In my mind I can see that we’re close, but we have a lot of struggles to get through first! The main thing that has to happen is the openness within the family. The power trips and egos need to go away. We need to be an army of one to get through this. It won’t be easy. It’s such a big challenge. But I will be satisfied when it’s completed!

 

I stumbled upon this today… Doro doing a Dio tribute. Gotta say, her voice fits it perfectly.

 

 

 

I adore each and everyone of you devils and ghouls.

 

Your mistress of horror will return. Promise.

 

Bloody Kisses,

Mercy Desdemona

Can you Hear me?

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Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I have a taste for self loathing.

Striving for a perfect image.

I am insane. More than you know.

I’m just afraid that you will go.

 

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I won’t lie, I have given myself pain.

I won’t lie, I’ve only ruined myself.

I won’t lie, i’m my own enemy.

 

In the mirror I see the monster I know is me.

Even though, you claim to gaze upon beauty. 

My fears devour me when I try to sleep.

Medication making me just weak.

I’m reaching out to you.

I don’t you’ll reach back to me.

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I will drown in my own madness.

Maybe some day, I will be able to live again.

Here I am in the same pine box.

Haunted by the ticking clock. 

 

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

 

© Mercy Desdemona 2013

Venting Book

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(found this in a notebook – I wrote this to myself when I was upset, I do this to calm myself down and think rationally about a situation.)

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

 

Shut up all of you! You think I don’t know the bills are due? I’m doing all I can. Working so many jobs and so many hours. My life on this hamster wheel has taken me down a path of depression, self loathing, and deep regret. Losing myself within the stress. I can’t even find the voice that once was mine. Oh the horror and the shame. A young lass giving up the game. Bitch, I don’t give up. I succeed… and get even.

 

Pain deep within my stomach. Puking up last nights dinner. No breakfast. Drive to work. Little pay. Fill gas tank. Waste of the day. I can’t stand this! Where is the art? Where is the beauty? Where is the young lass that I once was? How did I become to ugly? So cold. So emotionless.

Hatred instead of love. Push and shove.

Beat the fuck out of you. Just beat it!

 

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

You’re such a bitch sometimes. You’re so dumb. Now you’re proud of yourself you’re fine. Consumed by technology.

Gave your heart to everyone and they took it away. Took your listening ear and abused it.

 

Your life stopped being about you and your happiness.

You’ve sacrificed yourself!

STOP IT YOU DUMB BITCH!

Do I have to fucking slap it out of you?!

 

WAKE UP!

 

JUST WAKE UP! STOP TAKING THEIR SHIT!

YOU’VE GOT AN AMAZING FAMILY AND A GREAT BOYFRIEND. STOP SACRIFICING YOUR SOUL TO “FRIENDS” THAT ARE NEVER THERE UNLESS THEY NEED SOMETHING! THOSE AREN’T FRIENDS! TAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN ADVICE!

 

STOP BENDING BACKWARDS FOR PEOPLE THAT AREN’T IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE! THEY DON’T GIVE TWO HELLS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

KEEP THE CIRCLE ROLLING AND YOU’LL SUCCEED.

YOUR BOYFRIEND LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!

YOUR FAMILY IS THERE FOR YOU!

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSRON!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL – EVEN IF YOU NEED YOUR BRACES! YOU’LL GET THERE!

YOU’RE A KICK ASS CHICK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD YOUR STRENGTH.

EVEN IF THERE ARE TIMES IT DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY…

 

BRUSH OFF THE DIRT AND GET BACK UP.

BECAUSE YOUR SOUL….

IS STRONG!

 

DON’T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS SOUL ON THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER.

MAKE FILMS. JAM WITH THE BAND. BRING HOME THE BACON. SUCCEED!

DO IT! YOU’VE GOT IT DEEP INSIDE YOU! EVEN THOUGH YOU FEEL ALONE.

 

KICK LIFES ASS SO YOU CAN GROW OLD GRACEFULLY AND WITH NO REGRETS!

CHAINS AND SHACKLES BE GONE!

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #1

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Hello Creeps.

Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.

So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.

I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.

I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.

So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.

Here’s my game plan:

  • Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
  • Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
  • Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
  • Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
  • Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
  • Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.

 

Here we go my creeps.

Blood & Guts,

 

Mercy Desdemona

Depression Update

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Hey Creeps!

My depression and anxiety has been making a come back. So let’s see if I can listen to my own advice when it comes to this.

Below are the steps that I have started taking to get in control of my depression. I refuse anti-depressants – as all they do is make me a zombie and even more depressed. Nature is my force.

 

  • Depression Journal – Vent it out!
  • Creativity – Have a creative hour or 1/2 hour (depending on the day!) to let energy flow and allow brain to relax. Music and writing are my forms of meditation.
  • Walking – Going for a daily stroll with my beloved and have it not be about venting time.
  • Mirror Time – Giving myself positive feedback in the mirror.

Those are my beginning steps. Cheers to moving forward and battling this demon.

– Mercy

Hello Creeps

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Last Saturday was the music fest and it was a success. I was happy to do it and I made some new friends with my boyfriends pals. 

Lately, I’ve been on an emotionally swing lately. My depression and anxiety are at it’s high. I got super angry a lot lately and it’s starting to feel like I’m the damn hulk. 

I think it’s time I just let all this built up anger out. I can’t take it anymore.

 

has anyone else dealt with this?