So I screwed up last night. I was supposed to put up Episode one of my short story. But we had a bon fire and our buddies came and you know how that is. I will upload it this evening. Anyways, here’s some pics from todays nature hike:
I’m impressed with the camera on our cell phone!
I know I haven’t been active and I apologize. With all the situations I’m going through, I don’t spend much time on the web for leisure but more so for work. And the work is 24/7 – NON stop. Good news is I’m making a breakthrough with my efforts. Bad news is, my family isn’t being as strong as they usually are. My fundraiser is coming along nicely. Even with the bumps in the road. I honestly, can see it helping us. I also talked to my bf about one of us getting a part-time cashier’s job at the local grocery store just until the funding is deposited into my bank account. I found a company from New Jersey that’s willing to give me a try because of my usage of my business credit card. Even though I’ve only used it for a month, it was strictly for business expenses. Nothing more. It built up a good rep enough for them to take a “risk” on me. I will know more on Wednesday.
The only problem I’m having is the curse of being able to soak in the emotions around me. I am one of those people where if you put me in a room full of people, I can feel what everyone feels on the inside,despite the outer shell they put on. It’s a curse of mine because I can then feel this gigantic depressive cloud go over my shoulders. It then proceeds to push my self confidence down to a small bit and I just want to rock back and forth in the fetal position.
I’m using the power of music to keep me in check. I feel tears in my eyes because I wish I could take away the pain felt in the household around me. I know the only way is when this funding is secured. I also know that if one of the people in this house obtains that part-time cashier position – that will also take a load off and help put towards the opening of the family ice cream shop.
I’m confident in my path… yet I get weak in front of my father. Why? When I have so much power within me. I suppose I don’t want to defy him in any way. I would never want to break his trust especially after all he’s done for me. But, this fundraiser and such is a big deal that needs to happen. I’m working mighty mighty hard on what I’m doing. And I refuse to have anything taken from me.
Tomorrow – We’re calling the grocery store for the part-time job. Most likely won’t be me since I have to be at home talking to lenders on the phone. But if my brother or my boyfriend obtain the position it will help a great deal!
I think I have vented enough.
Step One: Out with the Old
My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.
This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.
We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.
What I did:
- Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
- Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
- Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
- Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
- Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)
Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity
-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html
– Blood & Guts,
Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment
I haven’t had the time to formally sit down and write about my 2012 summary and how life has changed. People have come and gone into my life, I’ve grown into a strong young woman, lessons have been learned. I do receive questions about why my live show with Luna has ended. The thing is: Her and I both grew up. Mercy and Luna was just a hang out we did to break our shyness barrier. We were both meek ladies who have blossomed into the women we are today. With growing up, friends also grow apart. We have our own individual goals and dreams to accomplish and although we are no longer on speaking terms I do wish her the best of luck.
2012 was a struggle and emotionally exhausting. I take a look back now and see that all of that was needed in order to start anew in this grand year of 2013. Things have changed for the greater. I’m currently in the process of opening an ice cream parlor as the family business, I met the love of my life of which he moved in on Christmas, My music dreams are slowly but surely coming into view, I’m working on writing a horror film and I am a stronger/confident individual than I was in 2012.
In 2012, I came across a lot of people that I believed were good friends. When in actuality, they were nothing but people that used me as a doormat and somewhat were bullies. I didn’t realize this fact until I began to share my opinions and start truly being myself. Yes, I am a horror junkie, a metal head, sarcastic/dark humored, brutally honest, Dr. pepper and mac and cheese addict! I can admit my personality isn’t for everyone and I can be taken the wrong way. People only liked it when I agreed with them or didn’t challenge their view point. After awhile, it was right to wash my hands of the people that I did call friends.
I must say good riddance to 2012. Thank you for the negative experience and the life lessons. You will actually be kept documented within my brain for future reference.
Thanks for wasting time with my existence.
Blood & Guts
– Mercy Desdemona –