I miss you all. Unfortunately, my lack of internet has made me somewhat Amish. I miss all my readers and the emails that you have written me. I apologize that I haven’t gotten back to you all like I usually do. I really do read all the email and try to respond as much as possible. Because, I cherish the fact you read my shitty blog. ❤
So here it is as I bring you up to speed: My life has been short of being a trainwreck. Lots of personal and family issues have arisen and it has been hell on earth. On a good note though, I have been inspired to do many creative things!! So, I have gathered a group of minions and we are currently working on shooting some horror/sci-fi short films and put them up on YouTube.
Why? Because quite frankly if I don’t start doing something creative I am going to go bazurk. I have to find an interview for August. Im going to con this year and will get to meet lloyd Kaufman. I’m nerding out and excited.
I must be off. creative duty calls.
Okay so I’ve been here on and off as I’ve tried to find myself and deal with my self loathing issues. Granted that my depression is still around, It’s more under control. After a severe mental break down yesterday, I came clear with my insecurities and worries to my love. I hadn’t talked to him about it before because I was afraid to come off as a crazy and lunatic woman. It felt good to be able to talk to him again. For a while, I have been shutting him out and only thinking negatively. Hence, the notes to myself. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him around.
Last night, I went to a gig and need to start compiling the DVD of the footage for the sirs in the band. My love got to play a little bit with the band and I’m happy for him! Since today is his birthday, I’m going to make it a very special day for him! 🙂 I guess, the major problem with depression is it turns us into monsters when we bottle up emotions. I refuse any pharmaceutical drugs as they make me physically ill and tired constantly. My love and I have agreed that when I get in my little slump, we’ll talk things out and I need to be more open with communication.
My brain is all scrambled up at the moment. it’s 8:19AM and I’m awake. Most likely because of the cold temperature in our house. Also, because I’m trying to get an insecurity out of my damned brain. I can’t wait to work on music though! It’s been a long time coming.
I guess, my break through was more of a break down/break through when I realized what a monster I had become. And I realized that I may have been hurting the feelings of the one man I love the most. Depression doesn’t just affect me, it also affected him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything to help me.
When indeed, he’s all I need.
Hello Devils & Ghouls.
How I met my boyfriend was the same way that many people do in this day in age: The Web. There are a lot of dangers meeting someone on the web, but I felt good knowing that he was a driving distance of 3 hours away at the time. He also lived in an area where my family had frequently visited in the past. So that also helped me chill and not mistaking him for some online predator (sorry love!). We stated talking in July 2012 and grew to become best friends fast. We love the same music, same movies, and even have the same outlooks on love and relationships. Over time, we texted each other non-stop. We were ALWAYS there for each other when no one else would listen. We would Skype when we got home from work and even on the nights we didn’t have to work, we would have all night movie nights (Mainly silent films) and stay up all night and even fall asleep on webcam together.
There were a lot of people trying to break us up. But, it was to no avail. We have something special and that’s all that matters. We’re content and happy. We moved in together on Christmas in 2012. A lot of people thought it was too soon in their eyes, but we were feeling very strongly about it. So on the day before Christmas, my dad and I went down on the snowy roads 3 hours south to pick up my love. It was funny meeting in person for the first time and being all – awkward. Well I was more so than Will. Why? Because that’s just how I am.
We have been together a year and a few months now. And even though we’ve had our ups and downs we’re still here.
Three things that I think are important to everyday life. Why do we live in a world where we are ashamed to be of a creative heart? Where the imagination of an innocent child is seen as a mental disorder? And that those that show emotion are weak?
We should be more imaginative, more creative, and emotional.
We should embrace it all.
Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.
So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.
I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.
I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.
So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.
Here’s my game plan:
- Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
- Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
- Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
- Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
- Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
- Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.
Here we go my creeps.
Blood & Guts,
Don’t ever deny yourself a chance to make your dreams a reality. Don’t be scared of the unknown and hop out of your comfort zone. You’ll feel so much better and see more opportunities in front of you. I was such a meek girl when I was younger. I ignored a lot of chances to get moving forward because I went by word of mouth or I didn’t have the drive for success. Then, just recently – a GIGANTIC weight was put on my shoulders. I had no choice but to step forward and branch out of my meek exterior. Inside, I was a burning flame. I had so much potential and so many dreams. Here I am. Accomplishing it all. By shattering my meek shell and deciding to be me for once.
I’ve had an interesting year. 2013 was the ending of many things… but the creation of something even better. My love and I have a passion for music and the industry. We have a heart for independent musicians since we are ones ourselves. Not only are we helping my family’s ice cream shop and well-being, we’re creating a place for independent acts to achieve their dream of being exposed and either creating or helping a fan base grow. This music festival fundraiser has reached all the way down to central New York! I really enjoy being surrounded by the hustle and bustle of creating this thing! Bands, Music, Stages, Lights… this is all I’ve ever wanted to do in my life. We are BOTH exhausted and look forward to the festival’s arrival and to relax with a bonfire afterwards. Unsuccessful Entertainment will be back making videos AFTER the festival!
Can’t ya tell we’re exhausted?
© Mercy Desdemona 2013
Hello my creeps!
A friend of mine shared a song by one of her friends to take a listen and I thought that I would share it with you guys. For those of you that are into alternative/Gothic Rock this is perfect for you! Naturally, me being fond of strong vocals definitely fell in love with this track. The voice is soothing and full of emotion while telling a tale of vampires and love. The blend of the harpsichord within the music takes me back in time (and gives me a hankering for tea!).
If you’d like to check it out feel free to check out this link:
And pass it along to fellow creeps that enjoy being in the shadows.