I miss you all. Unfortunately, my lack of internet has made me somewhat Amish. I miss all my readers and the emails that you have written me. I apologize that I haven’t gotten back to you all like I usually do. I really do read all the email and try to respond as much as possible. Because, I cherish the fact you read my shitty blog. ❤
So here it is as I bring you up to speed: My life has been short of being a trainwreck. Lots of personal and family issues have arisen and it has been hell on earth. On a good note though, I have been inspired to do many creative things!! So, I have gathered a group of minions and we are currently working on shooting some horror/sci-fi short films and put them up on YouTube.
Why? Because quite frankly if I don’t start doing something creative I am going to go bazurk. I have to find an interview for August. Im going to con this year and will get to meet lloyd Kaufman. I’m nerding out and excited.
I must be off. creative duty calls.
Okay so I’ve been here on and off as I’ve tried to find myself and deal with my self loathing issues. Granted that my depression is still around, It’s more under control. After a severe mental break down yesterday, I came clear with my insecurities and worries to my love. I hadn’t talked to him about it before because I was afraid to come off as a crazy and lunatic woman. It felt good to be able to talk to him again. For a while, I have been shutting him out and only thinking negatively. Hence, the notes to myself. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him around.
Last night, I went to a gig and need to start compiling the DVD of the footage for the sirs in the band. My love got to play a little bit with the band and I’m happy for him! Since today is his birthday, I’m going to make it a very special day for him! 🙂 I guess, the major problem with depression is it turns us into monsters when we bottle up emotions. I refuse any pharmaceutical drugs as they make me physically ill and tired constantly. My love and I have agreed that when I get in my little slump, we’ll talk things out and I need to be more open with communication.
My brain is all scrambled up at the moment. it’s 8:19AM and I’m awake. Most likely because of the cold temperature in our house. Also, because I’m trying to get an insecurity out of my damned brain. I can’t wait to work on music though! It’s been a long time coming.
I guess, my break through was more of a break down/break through when I realized what a monster I had become. And I realized that I may have been hurting the feelings of the one man I love the most. Depression doesn’t just affect me, it also affected him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything to help me.
When indeed, he’s all I need.
Hello Devils & Ghouls.
How I met my boyfriend was the same way that many people do in this day in age: The Web. There are a lot of dangers meeting someone on the web, but I felt good knowing that he was a driving distance of 3 hours away at the time. He also lived in an area where my family had frequently visited in the past. So that also helped me chill and not mistaking him for some online predator (sorry love!). We stated talking in July 2012 and grew to become best friends fast. We love the same music, same movies, and even have the same outlooks on love and relationships. Over time, we texted each other non-stop. We were ALWAYS there for each other when no one else would listen. We would Skype when we got home from work and even on the nights we didn’t have to work, we would have all night movie nights (Mainly silent films) and stay up all night and even fall asleep on webcam together.
There were a lot of people trying to break us up. But, it was to no avail. We have something special and that’s all that matters. We’re content and happy. We moved in together on Christmas in 2012. A lot of people thought it was too soon in their eyes, but we were feeling very strongly about it. So on the day before Christmas, my dad and I went down on the snowy roads 3 hours south to pick up my love. It was funny meeting in person for the first time and being all – awkward. Well I was more so than Will. Why? Because that’s just how I am.
We have been together a year and a few months now. And even though we’ve had our ups and downs we’re still here.
Three things that I think are important to everyday life. Why do we live in a world where we are ashamed to be of a creative heart? Where the imagination of an innocent child is seen as a mental disorder? And that those that show emotion are weak?
We should be more imaginative, more creative, and emotional.
We should embrace it all.
Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.
So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.
I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.
I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.
So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.
Here’s my game plan:
- Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
- Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
- Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
- Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
- Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
- Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.
Here we go my creeps.
Blood & Guts,
Don’t ever deny yourself a chance to make your dreams a reality. Don’t be scared of the unknown and hop out of your comfort zone. You’ll feel so much better and see more opportunities in front of you. I was such a meek girl when I was younger. I ignored a lot of chances to get moving forward because I went by word of mouth or I didn’t have the drive for success. Then, just recently – a GIGANTIC weight was put on my shoulders. I had no choice but to step forward and branch out of my meek exterior. Inside, I was a burning flame. I had so much potential and so many dreams. Here I am. Accomplishing it all. By shattering my meek shell and deciding to be me for once.
I’ve had an interesting year. 2013 was the ending of many things… but the creation of something even better. My love and I have a passion for music and the industry. We have a heart for independent musicians since we are ones ourselves. Not only are we helping my family’s ice cream shop and well-being, we’re creating a place for independent acts to achieve their dream of being exposed and either creating or helping a fan base grow. This music festival fundraiser has reached all the way down to central New York! I really enjoy being surrounded by the hustle and bustle of creating this thing! Bands, Music, Stages, Lights… this is all I’ve ever wanted to do in my life. We are BOTH exhausted and look forward to the festival’s arrival and to relax with a bonfire afterwards. Unsuccessful Entertainment will be back making videos AFTER the festival!
Can’t ya tell we’re exhausted?
© Mercy Desdemona 2013
Hello my creeps!
A friend of mine shared a song by one of her friends to take a listen and I thought that I would share it with you guys. For those of you that are into alternative/Gothic Rock this is perfect for you! Naturally, me being fond of strong vocals definitely fell in love with this track. The voice is soothing and full of emotion while telling a tale of vampires and love. The blend of the harpsichord within the music takes me back in time (and gives me a hankering for tea!).
If you’d like to check it out feel free to check out this link:
And pass it along to fellow creeps that enjoy being in the shadows.
Last night, despite my over stressing, I slept very well. Honestly, it may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to someone that barely sleeps ever. I slept so good and woke up with high spirits!
In my dream, I started off sitting on my lawn and a stranger came up to me. She was a woman of about 45 and dressed in women’s clothing from 1700s. She smiled at me and took my hand.
Part One: I was dreaming about the business. I was at a meeting with people I didn’t know. it was some committee and I had to prove that I was worth the risk to loan me business credit. After the meeting, I had a smile on my face and a ouija board popped up in my dream. It kept saying positive messages such as yes, forward, accomplish, and the company of which I’m seeking a loan from. Anyone know what this part means?
Part two: My boyfriend and I were on the road together. In a band with some of his pals he recently re-connected with. We were having a good time. This girl tried to come between us but failed and he kept announcing how we’re together forever. She kept trying because she used to be associated with him in the past but she never succeeded and it all of a sudden started to flash before my eyes. All good memories and events that happen to us in our journey together. Two orbs came out of our bodies and intertwined. What does that mean?
Part 3: The positive ouija board came out again. With words of encouragement. Esther is the woman’s name. She says she’s my spirit guide and but couldn’t speak so she spelled out. She wanted me to feel better and know I’m on the right track.
– I researched the name Esther circa 1700s… she used to live on my property. One of the first people to be in my town. She claimed in my dream to have been watching me a long time and she will guide the way.
– What does this dream all mean?!
I have had positive energy and a smile on my face ever since the dream. I couldn’t stop smiling even when I try. What is going on?!
So many of us spend too much time wondering what if and doubting the lovely world around us. When something is going great – we tend to look at what could happen instead of the beautiful reality before us. Many people say I’m too young to know my emotions fully and that “living in sin” with my boyfriend is an entirely bad idea. I always get asked: How do you know you want to be with him long term? The thing is, you just know. When you have an argument, you can’t walk away because you’re so worried if the other one is okay. You support them in their time of need, even when times are dark. You become a team of one, instead of two individuals lost within the world. Your souls intertwine at a spiritual level. I may be a young lady. I have much of this world ahead of me. But, I am confident in saying that I know he will always be there. Through the amazing and through the horrid. It’s a feeling within my gut, heart, and soul. It’s an unexplainable connection, which is why it’s so hard to answer the question. It’s one of those things people have to experience first hand!
Don’t be Afraid! Stop What Iff-ing and start living!
Myself and my love.
We met awhile back and started discussing music, dreams, films, etc. and noticed we had a lot in common. It wasn’t before long, we went from friends to lovers. Even as friends, we could both sense there was something more to the relationship. When angry, we never fail to bring a smile upon our faces. When things are horrid, we keep each other afloat against the waves of the sea of depression. I never thought I could meet someone so dear to me. Feel so much emotion and feel so alive!
After living hours away from each other, we decided to move in together. It was the best thing we could do for our lovely relationship. Why? Because it made us stronger. We no longer had to feel depressed when the other was gone away due to technological difficulties and such.
Our connection is deep and unique. We can feel each others emotions. We instantly know when something is wrong. We walk the same path. Faithfulness and Loyalty is still out there in the sea of the unfaithful. I found my love and you can find yours.
Step One: Out with the Old
My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.
This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.
We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.
What I did:
- Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
- Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
- Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
- Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
- Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)
Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity
-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html
– Blood & Guts,
Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment