Dea

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Hello Me.

As you’re writing this, you are a super broke goth chick with brains and a heart of gold. Regardless of what is being thrown at you, you always turn out fine. You’re a fighter and all the fights are worth the battle. You will win the war and get out of this jail of poverty and be enlightened with what you need to move forward in this beautiful world. You are a moon child. Lover of the night. You are a dark rose waiting to blossom through the feet of snow. Even though, it keeps coming down heavy, wet, and cold. You know you’ll make it. You are a lovely creepy darling. You will have a successful blog and channel, successful music career, successful business… why? Because you can! You have the strength of a thousand men and even though you are reading these words right now with tears pouring down your porcelain face… you know deep inside it will be alright.

 

– Me.

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Happy New Year

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Devils & Ghouls,

I hope you had a marvelous New Year and may 2014 bring you nothing but positive energy. I for one, was excited to say goodbye to 2013. I will admit however, this was one of the saddest New Years I’ve ever had. I think it’s because that the reality of the world is setting in around me. My grandfather has been gone for quite a while, my grandma sounding so fragile on the phone… I was definitely visited by ghosts of the pasts and wonderful times as a kid that I didn’t really get to cherish when I was little due to the lack of understanding. There I sat, listening to tunes that we used to blare during New Years Eve having flashbacks. The first time I’ve ever done this. I laughed and cried, sat back and remembered. Last night, I wasn’t just reflecting on my 2013 — But all the years I’ve had so far. Some were good and some were bad — But I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

Happy New Year! From Mercy, Will, Harold, and Baby Karloff (the new kitten)

2013 in Review

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It’s that time of the year again… where we each take a look back at the years past and deeply think about our choices and where we are currently. I will admit, 2013 has to be the rockiest year I’ve ever had. From arguments, to self struggle, and not to mention a couple break downs a long the way I have finally sorted through it all and feel so much better. With that, let’s take a look at Mercy’s Review of 2013!

  • The beginning of the year started off with friendships ending. Mercy & Luna was a show I did with a good friend of mine at the time. The show fell apart when we both wanted to be heard and in the end it became well, less fun. Our friendship fell apart when I needed someone there the most — I didn’t realize what was going on with me. In the end, I’m glad the friendship died out. It made me realize that it’s a part of life to get rid of people and although the end was horrid, the long friendship that was there had an importance at one point. I am glad that I did have the friendship and I do wish Luna well with all her adventures.
  • My boyfriend moved in last year on Christmas Eve and have had an interesting year not just finding ourselves but finding out where we are relationship wise and together on this big floating rock. There were tears, yelling, hugging, and laughter and I wouldn’t change it for the world! Through this year of emotional turmoil, we’re still with each other and not an ounce of time is wasted on sadness anymore! 
  • 2013 was definitely the year where I started my journey of self discovery. I admitted my faults and acknowledged them, grew from mistakes, and embrace my life instead of killing myself off in a manner that I won’t act upon anything. I had a lot of new experiences, scare a con, meeting new friends, going out a lot more, and embracing my oddities that make me – ME! I am a lovely young woman with a brain full of intellect that I shouldn’t dumb myself down to fit in with people who have caused me grief. I am tolerant, and observant. I am an old soul in a young body. I yearn to learn different cultures and other worlds. Books are my gateway to my soul and I enjoy being me very much. 
  • I started to realize that you need to pick battles and put your foot down. It’s not worth the complete headaches to fight small battles that don’t mean anything in the future. Fighting for a secure future and your dreams is worth more than money could buy! 

 

For what I’ve seen of this year, it’s been meaningful. I needed it to knock me out of what world in my head I was living in and start noticing the world around me in a better manner. Creativity is apart of who I am and it will never be pushed aside again. 2014 is the year of perseverance for me. Goals will be obtained. Failure is not an option. And on top of that my band, Demonic Refusal, will make it’s debut!

 

How was 2013 for you?!

 

– Mercy

Regrets of the Dying

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Hello my devils & ghouls.

Today while I was on the dreaded Facebook I came along this picture:

 

I apologize I forgot the page I found it on!

I apologize I forgot the page I found it on!

 

This post made me think a lot about what we take for granted in life. We sometimes put too much of ourselves up to please others around us and live the life they want for us (which I’m guilty of). We over work ourselves to satisfy the “keep up with the Jones’s” mentality that we’ve been brainwashed in. We tend not to share our honest feelings due to the overly sensitive society we live in. We ignore our friends and become anti-social. And we also tend to keep ourselves in a mentality that isn’t all to helpful.

This of course, is just my opinion / observation.

I know that when it comes to my time on the death bed, I DONOT want any of the above to be coming out of my lips. I want to share stories of grand times, bad times, accomplishments, and failures. I want to be able to pass on wisdom to whomever will be listening there on my death bed. I want to leave a mark that even though you can be a little wonky in the head, you can make a difference in yourself and those around you.

Just recently, I got a part time job to help the family business. I started to make new friends and even bump into old ones! The reconnection with the old friends made me feel good inside! Even though it’s been a long time, we picked up where we left off.

I started to realize how much I let the anxiety and depression get to me. I am missing out on a lot. For the first time in years, I actually sang and played my bass without any worry if I screwed up or not. Why? Because screw ups will show me what I have to work on. I’m NOT perfect. I’ve tried so long to be perfect in someone else’s image. But I’m not going to do that anymore.

Mercy is just Mercy.

And will always be Mercy.

 

I don’t want to have any regrets when I’m Dying… How about you?

 

– Mercy

I’m Back to Blogging!

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Hello my devils and ghouls!

I’m awfully sorry that reality of life has pulled me away from my mediocre blogging. I am proud to announce that I am BACK! And looking forward to blogging, chatting and creating new videos! 

I had quite a set back in my life away from the computer that I had to take time to reflect on issues and find myself. 

I have been found and I’m ready to roll!

 

– Mercy Desdemona

Parasitic Infection

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Parasitic Infection

November 2, 2013 at 7:18pm

A lay unconscious on the ground.

The ones above me all frown.

Shoulda been better.

Shoulda been like me.

Maybe then you’d make history.

 

My brain matter devoured by parasites.

I wish I could just see the light.

Torture and betrayal.

Have become the norm.

It’s all I’ve ever known.

 

Compassion is a lost art.

Down with the ship.

Stuck on the ocean floors.

Fish consume my flesh.

There’s nothing left.

 

 

My brain matter devoured by parasites.

I wish I could just see the light.

Torture and betrayal.

Have become the norm.

It’s all I’ve ever known.

 

Taken for granted.

Working for no pay.

Dreams put on delay.

What a life I live.

 

 

My brain matter devoured by parasites.

I wish I could just see the light.

Torture and betrayal.

Have become the norm.

It’s all I’ve ever known.

 

My existence has been widdled down,

to a small, fragile being I’ve never been.

Where the hell is the hero within?

 

Lost myself, I’ve drifted away.

To join in your game you play.

Manipulation causes destruction.

Mental failure. War on my mental nation.

 

I once stood tall. Without any doubt.

You took my true character and spit it out.

How much longer can I live life this way? 

How much longer can I fight to stay?

 

 

My brain matter devoured by parasites.

I wish I could just see the light.

Torture and betrayal.

Have become the norm.

It’s all I’ve ever known.

 

© Mercy Desdemona/Demonic Refusal 2013

 

Depression break through?

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Okay so I’ve been here on and off as I’ve tried to find myself and deal with my self loathing issues. Granted that my depression is still around, It’s more under control. After a severe mental break down yesterday, I came clear with my insecurities and worries to my love. I hadn’t talked to him about it before because I was afraid to come off as a crazy and lunatic woman. It felt good to be able to talk to him again. For a while, I have been shutting him out and only thinking negatively. Hence, the notes to myself. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him around.

 

Last night, I went to a gig and need to start compiling the DVD of the footage for the sirs in the band. My love got to play a little bit with the band and I’m happy for him! Since today is his birthday, I’m going to make it a very special day for him! 🙂 I guess, the major problem with depression is it turns us into monsters when we bottle up emotions. I refuse any pharmaceutical drugs as they make me physically ill and tired constantly. My love and I have agreed that when I get in my little slump, we’ll talk things out and I need to be more open with communication.

 

My brain is all scrambled up at the moment. it’s 8:19AM and I’m awake. Most likely because of the cold temperature in our house. Also, because I’m trying to get an insecurity out of my damned brain. I can’t wait to work on music though! It’s been a long time coming.

 

I guess, my break through was more of a break down/break through when I realized what a monster I had become. And I realized that I may have been hurting the feelings of the one man I love the most. Depression doesn’t just affect me, it also affected him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything to help me.

When indeed, he’s all I need.

 

– Mercy