Venting Book

0

(found this in a notebook – I wrote this to myself when I was upset, I do this to calm myself down and think rationally about a situation.)

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

 

Shut up all of you! You think I don’t know the bills are due? I’m doing all I can. Working so many jobs and so many hours. My life on this hamster wheel has taken me down a path of depression, self loathing, and deep regret. Losing myself within the stress. I can’t even find the voice that once was mine. Oh the horror and the shame. A young lass giving up the game. Bitch, I don’t give up. I succeed… and get even.

 

Pain deep within my stomach. Puking up last nights dinner. No breakfast. Drive to work. Little pay. Fill gas tank. Waste of the day. I can’t stand this! Where is the art? Where is the beauty? Where is the young lass that I once was? How did I become to ugly? So cold. So emotionless.

Hatred instead of love. Push and shove.

Beat the fuck out of you. Just beat it!

 

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

You’re such a bitch sometimes. You’re so dumb. Now you’re proud of yourself you’re fine. Consumed by technology.

Gave your heart to everyone and they took it away. Took your listening ear and abused it.

 

Your life stopped being about you and your happiness.

You’ve sacrificed yourself!

STOP IT YOU DUMB BITCH!

Do I have to fucking slap it out of you?!

 

WAKE UP!

 

JUST WAKE UP! STOP TAKING THEIR SHIT!

YOU’VE GOT AN AMAZING FAMILY AND A GREAT BOYFRIEND. STOP SACRIFICING YOUR SOUL TO “FRIENDS” THAT ARE NEVER THERE UNLESS THEY NEED SOMETHING! THOSE AREN’T FRIENDS! TAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN ADVICE!

 

STOP BENDING BACKWARDS FOR PEOPLE THAT AREN’T IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE! THEY DON’T GIVE TWO HELLS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

KEEP THE CIRCLE ROLLING AND YOU’LL SUCCEED.

YOUR BOYFRIEND LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!

YOUR FAMILY IS THERE FOR YOU!

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSRON!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL – EVEN IF YOU NEED YOUR BRACES! YOU’LL GET THERE!

YOU’RE A KICK ASS CHICK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD YOUR STRENGTH.

EVEN IF THERE ARE TIMES IT DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY…

 

BRUSH OFF THE DIRT AND GET BACK UP.

BECAUSE YOUR SOUL….

IS STRONG!

 

DON’T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS SOUL ON THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER.

MAKE FILMS. JAM WITH THE BAND. BRING HOME THE BACON. SUCCEED!

DO IT! YOU’VE GOT IT DEEP INSIDE YOU! EVEN THOUGH YOU FEEL ALONE.

 

KICK LIFES ASS SO YOU CAN GROW OLD GRACEFULLY AND WITH NO REGRETS!

CHAINS AND SHACKLES BE GONE!

Advertisements

Where have I Been? *Self Discovery*

0

Hello dear creeps.

I have missed you and I highly doubt you’ve missed my babble. The time has come for music fest to be just around the corner. We have to fix up some loose ends but that’s about it. Next weekend is the first ever Dissident Overdrive Music Festival! I am also hearing from my funding advisor about my business line of credit within the next 24-48 hours! A lot of anxiety, tears, happiness, and over all stressful schizophrenia has brought me to this point. I really hope I hear grand news after all my hard work. I am really anxious to get my proof of funding to hang up on my wall. 

Now that the music fest is underway, I can concentrate more on the ice cream shop. I have to work on a LOT of things. But it will all be taken care of. My brother has been made financial advisor which I think is appropriate since he is a mathematical genius and I’m mathematically challenged. 

Important things I’ve learned in this long, stressful process:

 

  • Pride = DAMAGE!: Having pride is a good thing in some cases, but having so much pride that you’re ashamed of asking for help isn’t good. It will make you a very resentful human being with a bunch of stress and anxiety.
  • Be yourself!:  Be 100% you. Don’t bend over backwards and allow people to walk on you. They get angry with you? So what. You’re being yourself and 100% true.
  • Let Go: Let go of any past experiences that may have made you into something your not. Don’t let the past hold you back from having an amazing future.
  • Surround yourself with a good team: Every person has unique strengths. Find their niche and put them in charge of that. A well-oiled machine goes a lot farther than one that sputters!
  • Confidence is key: Honestly, you can do it. Nay-sayers nay-say because they have nothing else to say. So… yeah. Ditch those lousy people and go for it. You life once. It’s better to have tried than wonder “what if”. 

 

Have a good day creeps.

 

Blood & guts,

Mercy

Instrumentals & the human connection. [Opinion]

0

I am quite fond of instrumentals.

Especially when I feel that the music can tell a story. Fill a void within your body. Stir up a feeling of emotion. Music makes us feel human. No matter who we are, we get lost in music. We can feel it grip us. Instrumentals I feel have a deeper connection to us. Why? Because it’s just the instrumentation connecting with us. Leaving it up to us to interpret the story and cause a curiosity – bring about a world of fantasy and imagination!

When I need to break away from reality, my favorite instrumentals are my key. It’s funny how I interpret the songs – even when heard plenty of times – a different way depending on my emotion that day. I feel very fortunate to have this confidence and connection with my humanity. Many people deprive themselves of this marvelous and curious connection.

I have to thank music for being my confidant for so long and my companion to keep me keyed into humanity. To keep me from shedding my humanity shell and to chase after my dreams. It gave me self empowerment. Hope. Love. Hate. Pain. Good. Evil. It gave me a connection to the natural world.

This is my opinion on instrumentals.

What is yours?

– Mercy

 

Recommended Instrumentals:

New Chapter – Out with the Old.

0

New Chapter: 

Step One: Out with the Old

Creeps,

         My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.

         This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.

         We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.

  What I did:

  • Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
  • Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
  • Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
  • Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
  • Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)

Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity

-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html

– Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment

A godless socie…

0

A godless society isn’t the bad one. It’s the emotionless, unimaginative, and robotic society that is the bad. It’s also a danger to humanity.

I was doing some critical thinking with my boyfriend today, and I said this. Thought it would be could to post up. What are your thoughts on the matter? 

I for one believe that mythologies and urban legends were tools to shape us to be caring human beings. That polytheism showed the strength of working in numbers, instead of the a one realm leader dictating all.

I hope when it is my turn to pass on, I will be in the mystic land. My lovely Utopia.

– Mercy

7 Relaxing Songs

0

Creeps – I am going to share with you seven (cuz I like odd things :P) songs that I find relaxing. They are songs I listen to when I’m going for a walk with nature or on an exploration or just sitting there after a hard day. These songs touch my soul. Enjoy my creeps. Thank you so much for the follows and the likes. 🙂 I enjoy your blogs as well! I give you all a creep or two when I see a notification.


 

Post-Mortem Photography

0

What is post-mortem photography?

Post mortem photography is the taking a photo of a loved on. Usually they are propped up to look alive while the family or individuals pose with them or they are given the aspect that they are soundly asleep lost in dream land. According to my research, it was quite popular during the Victorian Era.

Why do it?

A memorial to the loved ones passed.

Is it still around today?

The answer is yes. In a few places around the world this practice is still done today. The popularity however has gone down due to the fact that instead of viewing this as a piece of memory – society has made it into a dark/creepy/serial killer sort of thing. When in reality, that’s not what it is.

My views on Post Mortem Photography:

I don’t have an issue with it. If you take your time to Google images (I wont post them here in case individuals that read this are sensitive to the imagery), you can see how lovely the photographs are. Most of the time you can’t even tell the person is deceased. It’s an art-like way to pay homage to the darling that has passed. It doesn’t make you a sick individual for wanting one last image with your family. Or maybe that’s just me. I think our modern society has the strong ability to take something so human and lovely and make it into something ugly and horrid.