Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.
So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.
I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.
I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.
So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.
Here’s my game plan:
- Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
- Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
- Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
- Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
- Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
- Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.
Here we go my creeps.
Blood & Guts,
Hello dear creeps.
I have missed you and I highly doubt you’ve missed my babble. The time has come for music fest to be just around the corner. We have to fix up some loose ends but that’s about it. Next weekend is the first ever Dissident Overdrive Music Festival! I am also hearing from my funding advisor about my business line of credit within the next 24-48 hours! A lot of anxiety, tears, happiness, and over all stressful schizophrenia has brought me to this point. I really hope I hear grand news after all my hard work. I am really anxious to get my proof of funding to hang up on my wall.
Now that the music fest is underway, I can concentrate more on the ice cream shop. I have to work on a LOT of things. But it will all be taken care of. My brother has been made financial advisor which I think is appropriate since he is a mathematical genius and I’m mathematically challenged.
Important things I’ve learned in this long, stressful process:
- Pride = DAMAGE!: Having pride is a good thing in some cases, but having so much pride that you’re ashamed of asking for help isn’t good. It will make you a very resentful human being with a bunch of stress and anxiety.
- Be yourself!: Be 100% you. Don’t bend over backwards and allow people to walk on you. They get angry with you? So what. You’re being yourself and 100% true.
- Let Go: Let go of any past experiences that may have made you into something your not. Don’t let the past hold you back from having an amazing future.
- Surround yourself with a good team: Every person has unique strengths. Find their niche and put them in charge of that. A well-oiled machine goes a lot farther than one that sputters!
- Confidence is key: Honestly, you can do it. Nay-sayers nay-say because they have nothing else to say. So… yeah. Ditch those lousy people and go for it. You life once. It’s better to have tried than wonder “what if”.
Have a good day creeps.
Blood & guts,
Step One: Out with the Old
My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.
This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.
We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.
What I did:
- Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
- Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
- Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
- Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
- Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)
Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity
-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html
– Blood & Guts,
Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment
Self Hatred (Decomposition of man)
I killed my brain today.
Went downright insane.
As a human,
And made myself nothing.
I wasted my existence.
Became a “What fifer”
I hate myself.
I’m my own worst enemy.
Giving myself apathy.
Until I wake,
Why, did I wake to the light of day.
How can one just self decay?
Who gives a fuck.
It’s better this way.
Just take a gun.
Just take a bullet.
For sleep deprived.
And bury me well.
Just make sure I’m going to hell.
© Mercy Desdemona 2013
Low confidence is a bitch.
This ache I feel within my heart.
Is only when we’re apart.
My love is pure and true.
Devoted to only you.
Your words reach me deep.
In my soul is where they keep.
I long to hear your voice again.
See your smile and sense your calm.
I long to be within your arms.
Where nothing can go wrong.
This ache I feel within my heart.
Is only when we’re apart.
Tiny bits of conversation.
Cherished now more than ever.
Every moment, every minute..
Down to the final second.
I hate to say goodbye.
Not knowing when we can talk again.
I feel your pain.
I feel your loneliness.
I want to be there to kiss it all away.
Don’t worry my love.
We’ll be together soon.
Upon a lovely nightly moon.
We’ll smile and laugh.
We’ll gaze upon the endless stars.
Enjoy conversation for hours.
This ache will be over.
And we can live again.
– Mercy Desdemona © 2012
Note: Wrote this on a whim. I know it could be better. But I didn’t want to lose this work.