Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #2

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Creeps. Earthlings. Whatever you are.

I honestly think I’m annoyed at depression. Can one be annoyed at depression? I think so. I’m actually tired of being a mopey dope. But I have no energy to not be a mopey dope… so I sit here and pick at every insecurity I have with myself and relationships and tear everything into little bits until I have no idea what I’m doing.

I picture myself in a mental institution, and I’m the patient in the corner of the room with a table putting the puzzle together… but the other patients in the room keep spilling their coffee all over the place. 

So what did my depressive state do today:

  • Pushed away people I care about. 
  • Made a scene & cried throughout town.
  • Decided to have dark daydreams…. 
  • Rocked back and forth.

What I did today to feel better:

  • Sang “The Pass” by Rush.
  • Deep breathing exercises.
  • Re-evaluated life choices.
  • Started to concentrate on important things.
  • Stopped stressing.

-Mercy

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Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #1

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Hello Creeps.

Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.

So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.

I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.

I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.

So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.

Here’s my game plan:

  • Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
  • Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
  • Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
  • Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
  • Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
  • Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.

 

Here we go my creeps.

Blood & Guts,

 

Mercy Desdemona

Depression & Anxiety

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Two feelings I have been feeling lately: Depression & Anxiety.

I haven’t been this down in the dumps for a long time, but after dealing with this big weight on my shoulders for sometime and still not knowing any answers, I’m getting quite irritated. I don’t have any form of security – even though I know funding is on it’s way. I just don’t feel secure. I feel like I’m just blowing around in the wind. I don’t look forward to waking up in the morning because it seems like it’s just the same ol’ shit. I can’t move forward with anything. No matter how much I try. I can’t take this pressure anymore. I’ve lost sight of myself.

I’m even starting to push the love of my life away during my time of depression. I just want to be me and just move forward with everything. I’ve grown tired of being stuck at where I’m at. I want a life’s purpose. With it being prime ice cream time right now, and the pressure on to get open and get the funding here as soon as possible, I don’t know what’s going to go on. I just want my funding to arrive so I can move forward not for just me, but my family, and my boyfriend.

This is something I worked hard for. I want to accomplish something for once that I set out to do. I’m tired of being told good ideas and them never coming through. I just want my funding to get here. I need some cash to work with. I’m tired of being drained of all my cash to go into a business that is a rich idea – but is at a stand still.

The anxious nature in my house – the stress – the insecurity.

I can’t take it anymore.

– Mercy

Music Festival Fundraiser by Unsuccessful Entertainment

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Hey Creeps! The latest video on our YouTube Discussing our music festival fundraiser! All of the proceeds will go towards opening The Igloo Ice Cream Parlor & Eatery!

Bands: We have limited space available!! Please contact us immediately if you’re interested! We are open to many genres as the festival is for all ages!