The Conjuring (Review)

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Hello my devils and ghouls. 

Practically everyone I know was begging me to watch The Conjuring. Telling me that it’s new and surprising and a new film I’d actually like! And then… after watching it… I had to question how well these people know me. (Kidding, you guys are great)

Storyline: In 1971, Carolyn and Roger Perron move their family into a dilapidated Rhode Island farm house and soon strange things start happening around it with escalating nightmarish terror. In desperation, Carolyn contacts the noted paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, to examine the house. What the Warrens discover is a whole area steeped in a satanic haunting that is now targeting the Perron family wherever they go. To stop this evil, the Warrens will have to call upon all their skills and spiritual strength to defeat this spectral menace at its source that threatens to destroy everyone involved. (IDMB)

 

Okay, so sounds like a pretty decent story. According to some research is claims to be about a true story…. Hmmm… well… 

 

Firstly, I had to watch the film twice in a row because I was torn. Did I hate it? Did I like it? So I’ll list the things I did find to my liking and list the things I disliked. Here we go…

Likes:  

  • Had a pretty decent story line going.
  • Acting of the Warren’s was pretty believable.
  • Old house! (Like it should be)

Dislikes:

  • Jump scares were not scary; music gave it a  way too easily.
  • Felt like they were meshing every paranormal film from the ’70s into one movie.
  • The paranormal activity started off way too soon – to me there should have been a little bit more of findings before a whole bunch of crap went on.
  • I don’t understand why people call this film new and exciting… (see bullet 2)

My main thing is with this film is it has me torn. I didn’t like it but I didn’t hate it. It’s like one of those movies you’d put on when the people you are hanging out with don’t like horror movies. It’s not one I’d buy nor have anything to really say about. I just wish it could have been more…scary. This whole every horror movie at night has this blue tint to it thing is getting old. My house doesn’t turn blue at night. If we take a look back at the old paranormal films hell even Halloween, there houses didn’t turn BLUE! And it was freaky because it was more realistic. 

 

You guys might call me a nit-picker… and maybe sometimes I can be… but hey, we all have our own opinions. I for one think this is a film to put on just for background noise. I wouldn’t want to sit through it again. Goddamn, I need to get better at writing reviews. But I suppose this is what I get for trying to write one at 10:43AM.

 

– Mercy

 

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Unsuccessful Entertainment: Winterbeast (1991) Review

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This weeks Unsuccessful Entertainment review! Join us tonight at 11 PM Eastern to watch a film and hang out!

What is Unsuccessful Entertainment?
Basically a bf/gf team that makes crappy videos for your entertainment.

Our youtube: http://www.youtube.com/vintagehorrormadame

Mercy Desdemona

Monster in the Closet (Review)

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Good Evening Creeps.

Remember when we were kids and wouldn’t sleep with the closet door open? Well kids, its most likely because of this guy:

This little fella is the guy that is living in your closet. Not to be confused for the pedophile behind great-grandma’s fur coat. We start off in the film by seeing people talking to their closets because they hear a noise. Then, they get taken in and eaten by the fella posted above. A reporter is complaining about only writing obituaries, so he tries to get a bigger story. He pursues the murders going on around the town. He meets up with this kid named, Professor whose mother is a biology teacher which the Sheriff thinks is just some crazy broad. The crazy broad is friends with this neat professor fella that wants to try to stop having the monster killed. In the end, they had to destroy closets because the monster kidnapped the reporter and it looked something like this:

Still a Better Love Story than Twilight

^ Still a better love story than Twilight

And in the end, without further investigation to see if there were more monsters in any closets — people were instructed to rebuild their closets. I love this film because of it’s cheesy nature. It’s clearly dear to my heart and I remember that I now have to purchase it. What I like about this film is the dialogue is cheesy as an Ed Wood film (Plan 9 From Outer Space Cheesy). I like this because it fits it so goddamn well you couldn’t picture it with serious dialogue. This had to be one of those films where the actors and actresses in it couldn’t take the script seriously. I would die laughing if I had to try to keep a straight face while acting this out.

I give it 5 Cheeses.

Sorry for this short and pathetic review — Must get to working on my stuff for a casting call.

All images of film were found on google search.

Blood & Guts
– Mercy Desdemona

Trailer:

Slasher Flicks

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Today I want to take the time out to discuss Slasher Flicks and how I see them. So without further adieu, let’s just jump right into the subject matter. Slashed flicks to me are meaningless. I don’t see the point in slasher films what-so-ever. They aren’t even the good form of cheesy and lame (as most 80s films are) and have the same group of people, same story line, and same setting as each other. Of course, different actors/actresses and maybe the setting looks different but really, it’s just the same small town as the other film.

Within Slasher flicks, we get the same group of people as I’ve mentioned before. The slut, The Jock, The Smart One (that no one listens too), The Nerd, The Scared One, The Badass, The Goody-Goody, The Best Friend. (Sorry if I’m missing one)

I think it’s because they make me feel like I’m losing brain cells. What moron would wanna take a shower when they hear a killer is in their small town? That just screams get naked.

I think slashers are just created so teens can have pathetic films on their date nights so they can swap spit and feel badass. But hey, that’s just me.

– Mercy Desdemona

Motel Hell (1980) Review

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Farmer Vincent, his strange creepy sister, crappy acting and predictability equal marvelous 80’s cheese. The overacting seems to make this horror film more of a comedy – yet it’s quite enjoyable. Not only did this film make me giggle like a tiny baby hyena, it also made me ponder exactly how many farmer freaks like this are out there in the world. With all the crazy loons running amuck amongst those people that are supposed to be within a social setting – Your breakfast sausage may be a Farmer Vincent Special. Isn’t that a sickening thought?

Of course, with all cheesy films there’s a blonde bimbo that creepily makes out with old farmer Vincent. Why? I don’t know. But I guess old men need love too. She has to be the most annoying person in the film because all she does is look around like a deer caught in headlights, say a few lines, and then scream. She’s got the dumb blonde role down pat though.

So anyway, Vincent has this secret garden, which is made up of travelers that pass by his hotel. He and his creepy sister would bury people within the garden and cut their vocal chords. They sounded like alien monsters trying to scream for help. They actual remind me of frogs with their croaking. Farmer Vincent has been smoking people meat and selling it to people for years. Throughout the movie you see a few customers that nom on the meat and talk about how delicious ol’ uncle Ted’s leg meat is… well they don’t know it’s human but you get my drift.

Also, the wonderful thing about this is the questions and answers. You know lines like: “Why don’t you just burn the place?” “You mean arson?” That make you wanna face palm yourself and chuckle. Needless to say, this film is under my fantastical cheesy film category so if you’re interested take a peak.

I found the full film on Youtube here:

Blood & Guts
– Mercy