Devils & Ghouls,
I hope you had a marvelous New Year and may 2014 bring you nothing but positive energy. I for one, was excited to say goodbye to 2013. I will admit however, this was one of the saddest New Years I’ve ever had. I think it’s because that the reality of the world is setting in around me. My grandfather has been gone for quite a while, my grandma sounding so fragile on the phone… I was definitely visited by ghosts of the pasts and wonderful times as a kid that I didn’t really get to cherish when I was little due to the lack of understanding. There I sat, listening to tunes that we used to blare during New Years Eve having flashbacks. The first time I’ve ever done this. I laughed and cried, sat back and remembered. Last night, I wasn’t just reflecting on my 2013 — But all the years I’ve had so far. Some were good and some were bad — But I wouldn’t change a thing.
Happy New Year! From Mercy, Will, Harold, and Baby Karloff (the new kitten)
Lately, I have been in a curious mood and lately something has been pulling me in a strange direction. My mother was adopted when she was a baby back in the late 60s. And due to health concerns, she has been looking for the records but is having trouble because it was a Catholic Agency. The curiosity is there mainly because all she knows of her parents were that they were young and in college for music and arts. Could this be where my love for these things stems? I know where I get it on my father’s side, but not my mom’s side. It’s strange that I’m not the one adopted yet I feel the urgency to find out. Every time I go out in public, I could be seeing one of my relatives. Did they ever make it into the music and art world? What is the other half of my bloodline? I know my fathers has German/Polish/Austrian. Who is the other half of me?
Is this normal for me to feel this way? Even though I know my parents? Why am I so curious? Why should I give a damn about this? Could it just be my interest in figuring out mysteries? I don’t know. But one thing is for sure, that I would like to know. Even through all I’ve been through, and even though my parents aren’t together nor do they speak to each other, I would still like to know. It would be nice to know, even if they never want to say hello.
I just need to know where to start looking.
Today we’ll discuss my opinion on tent camping or camping in an RV. It seemed to be what is flooding my inbox lately so here it goes. I prefer the tent aspect over the R.V. Why? Because I like to randomly hike and put up the tent and sleep. I like to get away from all the hustle and bustle. I would only use an R.V. for a road trip… not camping. Camping to me is like rewinding time and going back to when settlers were finding places. Camping in a tent also gets you back into your what I call ‘true mind’. That is: The state of mind that isn’t overwhelmed by phone calls, businesses, problems, bills, etc.
Imagination and creativity are stronger for me when i’m out in the tent than when I’m in my room. Plus, it’s a kind reminder that we are a part of nature too. That man has chosen to be “Civilized” and turn our backs on the beautiful world before us in exchange for paper money, competition, greed, hunger, anger, mental issues, bills, and stress.
I suppose that’s all I have to say for now. Upcoming Blogs:
- Hellraiser (original) Review
- Classic Vs Remake
- Band/Album Review
If you’ve got any films, bands, or albums you’d like me to review leave it in a comment!
This is a silly jam out video that my love created when his pals were up for a weekend. My love is the one on bass, my brother on the black drum set and his friend on another. They were just messing around. I was talking in the background with his other buddies. But, I have a feeling I’ll be in the next jam out video.
I have set goals for myself in 2013. I have yet to do a damn one. Which is sort of…miserable. But, anyway – Revamping my list to do!
- Tent Party 2013 – Party with a bunch of pals, live music, and camping!
- Road trip 2013 – Go down to where my love is from and see all the places he wishes to show me.
- First Tattoo – A birthday gift to me. I finally have the finalized version of my first tattoo sketched out. For me, this tattoo represents a milestone in my life. I look forward to getting it!
- Break Loose – Get over my social anxiety! Stop fearing the world and take charge.
- Play first gig – I want my band to get together and play their first gig!
- Purchase bass – Get a bass again.
- Graduate College – I got myself back into college! Now to finish up and graduate! Hopefully, this time around, I will network and make some friends. My love has told me that I should try too… so I will!
- Create Positive Memories – I need some positive memories to look back on. This year marks the first year of a WHOLE NEW LIFE for me!
I want to start my life. Have great memories with my boyfriend, and friends.
This life of just … wishing and dreaming has to stop. It has to move forward to achieving.
Good bye unstable life. Hello stable one.
Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.
So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.
I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.
I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.
So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.
Here’s my game plan:
- Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
- Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
- Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
- Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
- Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
- Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.
Here we go my creeps.
Blood & Guts,
Two feelings I have been feeling lately: Depression & Anxiety.
I haven’t been this down in the dumps for a long time, but after dealing with this big weight on my shoulders for sometime and still not knowing any answers, I’m getting quite irritated. I don’t have any form of security – even though I know funding is on it’s way. I just don’t feel secure. I feel like I’m just blowing around in the wind. I don’t look forward to waking up in the morning because it seems like it’s just the same ol’ shit. I can’t move forward with anything. No matter how much I try. I can’t take this pressure anymore. I’ve lost sight of myself.
I’m even starting to push the love of my life away during my time of depression. I just want to be me and just move forward with everything. I’ve grown tired of being stuck at where I’m at. I want a life’s purpose. With it being prime ice cream time right now, and the pressure on to get open and get the funding here as soon as possible, I don’t know what’s going to go on. I just want my funding to arrive so I can move forward not for just me, but my family, and my boyfriend.
This is something I worked hard for. I want to accomplish something for once that I set out to do. I’m tired of being told good ideas and them never coming through. I just want my funding to get here. I need some cash to work with. I’m tired of being drained of all my cash to go into a business that is a rich idea – but is at a stand still.
The anxious nature in my house – the stress – the insecurity.
I can’t take it anymore.
It’s crunch time! With only two days left to get everything secured and in order, we have to work really hard. Saturday is the day of the music festival! The fundraiser is going to raise funds for The Igloo Parlor. All proceeds go to opening the establishment. Right now we need to do the following:
- Find Tents for our refreshment table & PA System
- Get tables ready
- Finalize workers of the event
- Get donation boxes
After all this we will see all of our hard work come into play. I can’t wait and hope for a smooth and fun fundraiser.
Let me tell you, nothing is more nerve racking than wondering about something that’s been on your mind so damn much. The funding, the music festival…It’s to the point where I’m exhausted and can’t sleep! It’s 6:31AM and I’ve been up since 4:30AM just wondering and pacing. The Jeopardy “Think Music” comes to play.
– Mercy Desdemona ~
Hello dear creeps.
I have missed you and I highly doubt you’ve missed my babble. The time has come for music fest to be just around the corner. We have to fix up some loose ends but that’s about it. Next weekend is the first ever Dissident Overdrive Music Festival! I am also hearing from my funding advisor about my business line of credit within the next 24-48 hours! A lot of anxiety, tears, happiness, and over all stressful schizophrenia has brought me to this point. I really hope I hear grand news after all my hard work. I am really anxious to get my proof of funding to hang up on my wall.
Now that the music fest is underway, I can concentrate more on the ice cream shop. I have to work on a LOT of things. But it will all be taken care of. My brother has been made financial advisor which I think is appropriate since he is a mathematical genius and I’m mathematically challenged.
Important things I’ve learned in this long, stressful process:
- Pride = DAMAGE!: Having pride is a good thing in some cases, but having so much pride that you’re ashamed of asking for help isn’t good. It will make you a very resentful human being with a bunch of stress and anxiety.
- Be yourself!: Be 100% you. Don’t bend over backwards and allow people to walk on you. They get angry with you? So what. You’re being yourself and 100% true.
- Let Go: Let go of any past experiences that may have made you into something your not. Don’t let the past hold you back from having an amazing future.
- Surround yourself with a good team: Every person has unique strengths. Find their niche and put them in charge of that. A well-oiled machine goes a lot farther than one that sputters!
- Confidence is key: Honestly, you can do it. Nay-sayers nay-say because they have nothing else to say. So… yeah. Ditch those lousy people and go for it. You life once. It’s better to have tried than wonder “what if”.
Have a good day creeps.
Blood & guts,