Can you Hear me?

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Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I have a taste for self loathing.

Striving for a perfect image.

I am insane. More than you know.

I’m just afraid that you will go.

 

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I won’t lie, I have given myself pain.

I won’t lie, I’ve only ruined myself.

I won’t lie, i’m my own enemy.

 

In the mirror I see the monster I know is me.

Even though, you claim to gaze upon beauty. 

My fears devour me when I try to sleep.

Medication making me just weak.

I’m reaching out to you.

I don’t you’ll reach back to me.

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I will drown in my own madness.

Maybe some day, I will be able to live again.

Here I am in the same pine box.

Haunted by the ticking clock. 

 

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

 

© Mercy Desdemona 2013

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Artemia Episode 2 & More!

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Hello Devils & Creeps.

It is my pleasure to present to you, Artemia part 2. Whilst writing this, I’ve grown an attachment to my Artemia and have decided to make this a book series! I have created a create space account to have my Artemia published once it’s finished. I hope you all enjoy this.

– Mercy Desdemona

 

Artemia Episode 2

                         In 1933, I was a young seventeen year old girl living in a small village. I lived with my mother and father in a boarding house in the center of the village near the village hall. My father was the supervisor of the village and needed to be close to the hall in case any emergencies shall erupt. He was a good man and we had lots of good times in 1933. 1933 had to be where I felt the most human. So genuinely happy and also where I experienced my first true love. Roger Albert Birham was a lovely young man. He was tall, around six feet, with brown hair and dark eyes. He enjoyed playing the piano, even thought he’d never own one. His family was not well off like my family was. Which was a main concern of my father when we started our courtship. We would go to see a moving picture or two, picnic by Black Heart Pond, and plan a life together.

                        My father was not keen on me falling for a Birham. To my father, status was everything. I think, it was because he came from nothing and never wanted me to go through the same hardship. “Abby, if your hear is true to Roger, you have my blessing.” My father gave me his blessing in the August of 1933. In 1935, we had a wedding. It was a beautiful, fresh, spring day. The flowers were in bloom and the air smelled so fresh. My mother was proud and my father took me down the grassy isle to Roger. He had a stern look on his face as he held back the tears. We honeymooned at a cabin in the mountains. It made me the envy of my peers. It was during that time I knew I wanted this to be my final life. He was my one and only, and simply not replaceable. We made a home together in a small apartment looking over the park. It was a great location near my dress shops and Roger’s work place.

                                I became good friends with our neighbor, Lilith Roberts. Lilith would always come over for tea and discuss her father’s business. She was proud of her father ever so much. She was a young lady who adored children and always asked me, “When will you and Roger have a young babe?” She would always giggle and I would always respond, “Within the year.” I had my doubts of being a mother again, I would sometimes have frequent flashbacks to my Linda Mae. In the spring of 1937, on our wedding anniversary, I gave birth to a health young baby boy. We named him David Richard Birham after our fathers. We were a complete family.

                                    Roger was the ideal husband. He put food on the table and allowed us to have romantic dinners and family picnics. It wasn’t until David was the  age of five when things started to change. Mary Roberts was the older sister of dear Lilith. She was very wealthy, refined, had business connections, and always got what she wanted. Mary and Roger courted before I was his lover. She left him cold after a young fox came her way. I knew deep down Roger never let the incident go and I also knew he would never give into temptation. I could not help my jealousy though. I was a good young wife. I kept my jealousy just fuming inside me instead of exposing it.

                                   Roger started to grow tired of his status in society. He wanted to go further with his business and considered talking to Mary about helping him. He never said it to my face, but I knew that’s what he had planned deep down. He would keep his meetings with Mary secret. He started to not come home and David and I would spend a lot of time alone. I was happy I at least had my son. One day, after dropping David off to see the grandparents, I went into a bakery to apply for a position. I wanted to help Roger in this financial slum. The dress shop would not hire a woman that was not good at sewing, bakery was the only option.  After obtaining the position, I went to my apartment so full of glee. I walked in on a business meeting between Roger and Mary, but my presence wasn’t known. ” Roger darling, I’ve missed you.” Mary stated as she took a drag of her cigarette. Roger smiled. “I’ve missed you to Mary.” They exchanged glances as I entered the room. “Mary. So nice to see you.” I said with a clear smile on my face. No need to embarass Roger in front of his lovely company.

                       Roger looked at me. “You know how much I’ve missed Mary since when we were courting.” I nodded. “Yes, I know Roger. I’m sorry for jumping to any form of conclusion.” Mary walked over to me. She had long dark red hair, a marvelous figure. “Congratulations, Abbagail… for marrying such a wonderful man.” With that she walked out of our apartment and I went on to making dinner. Mary started becoming a more prominent person in Roger’s life. David and I began spending more time alone while Roger moved up in the world. I had to deal with the snickers and sneers by the public and my peers while Roger went out galevanting around with Mary Roberts. His smile soon faded from all family dinners and he would sometimes not come home.

                Not matter how much Roger did to me, I still loved him. On David’s sixth birthday, I had a party for him in the park with his boyhood friends. It was just me and David. Roger wasn’t anywhere to be found. It wasn’t a worry to me anymore. I became accustomed to Roger disappearing for weeks without contact. Lilith would come over to check on David and I periodically. She had a look on her face that she knew something I didn’t and she couldn’t tell me. I knew deep down inside that Roger’s love for Mary outweighed his love for me. I couldn’t blame him. On September 3, 1942, I heard from Roger in the most gruesome way. His obituary was in the newspaper. He had been found stone cold dead in an alleyway. It was said he suffered of a heart attack. I let out a few tears but didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. My one true love had died, and I couldn’t cry anymore than a few me mere seconds. I believe it’s because I knew, he was more dedicated to Mary Roberts. What hurt the most was the reading of my darling’s will. He left it all to David and Mary. I was a no one. I wasn’t even anyone to the love of my life!

                   After a while, I started seeing less and less of my own son. Lilith would take him to her home and he would live like she did. Mary was acting more of a mother towards him as time went on and even had me thrown out of the apartment building. I never saw Lilith, Mary, or David again. I moved into the old boarding house where my parents lived. One day, I decided my soul needed a new host. Abby Birham died of influenza in 1948.

                      My alarm went off at 6:00 AM sharp. Today was the day I agreed to pick up Aiden. The nine year old boy would be waiting for me at the bus station to be picked up and taken to Avery. Aiden is Avery’s son from Avery’s previous marriage. This would be the first time that little Aiden meets Avery’s girlfriend, Angel. She was a good fit for Avery and always supportive of his tattoo shop even though she would never get a tattoo herself. I quickly rose from my bed and let out a yawn. I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t look half bad in the early morning. I couldn’t even remember the last time I woke up this early in the morning. I quickly got dressed in jeans and a Motorhead t-shirt. I brushed my hair and put it up in a bun, I wasn’t about to mess with make up this early in the morning. I hopped into my black 57 Chevy and went to the bus station. Little Aiden stood there with his blue little mohawk looking around for me. “Hey there little guy!” I leaned down so he could give me a hug. “How was the trip?” He smiled, “It was awesome! I got to see a lot of towns on the way from mommy’s!” I laughed as we walked to my car. I helped him put his bags in the car and made sure he was safely in it. “Are you excited to see your dad?” He nodded. “Yeah… are you dating daddy?” I let out a small laugh. “No. But his girlfriend is happy to meet you. She’s really nice. You’ll love her.” Aiden scrunched his face. “Really?” I nodded. “Really.” Looking at Aiden, I saw a resemblance to David. I never knew what had become of my son. I have this urge to research it. After all, it was my son. I partially believe I see a resemblance because I remember times being a mother. I’ll start looking for David tomorrow on my day off. I don’t know how I’ll take it. I truly hope he had a long and lovely life.

                  We made the turn into Avery’s Tattoos. Avery lived above the shop. I was debating going to art school part-time to eventually be a tattoo artist myself. Avery loved that idea and has been pushing me ever since. He always tells me that I’d have a secure job with him and that I should really let out my artist passion. In all my lives, I never thought I would feel content or go to college. Angel picked up Aiden. “Hey little guy.” She smiled at him. “My name is Angel. You must be Aiden. I just love your mohawk!” He smiled and I knew he enjoyed being held by her. Avery and Angel made a lovely couple and I felt honored to have them as friends.

                 Avery came over to me with a manila folder. “I appreciate you pickin’ up the little man.” He smiled. “Not a problem. He’s a kick ass kid.” I laughed. Avery handed me the manila folder. “Here is some info for you to succeed as a tattoo artist. Angel and I really want to see you succeed. You’re part of our family.” I took the envelope and smiled looking at the contents. “Thanks guys.” I spent the rest of the night chatting with them about what I needed to do. I even stayed the night on their couch.

               I awoke at 8:45 AM. The news was on the television. A young woman was missing from town. Angel handed me a cup of coffee. “I hope they find her.” She said in a sombre tone. “Me too.” I said blowing on my coffee, nodding in agreement. “…We here at News 7 wish Gloria Roberts a safe return…”

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #2

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Creeps. Earthlings. Whatever you are.

I honestly think I’m annoyed at depression. Can one be annoyed at depression? I think so. I’m actually tired of being a mopey dope. But I have no energy to not be a mopey dope… so I sit here and pick at every insecurity I have with myself and relationships and tear everything into little bits until I have no idea what I’m doing.

I picture myself in a mental institution, and I’m the patient in the corner of the room with a table putting the puzzle together… but the other patients in the room keep spilling their coffee all over the place. 

So what did my depressive state do today:

  • Pushed away people I care about. 
  • Made a scene & cried throughout town.
  • Decided to have dark daydreams…. 
  • Rocked back and forth.

What I did today to feel better:

  • Sang “The Pass” by Rush.
  • Deep breathing exercises.
  • Re-evaluated life choices.
  • Started to concentrate on important things.
  • Stopped stressing.

-Mercy

Depression & Anxiety

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Two feelings I have been feeling lately: Depression & Anxiety.

I haven’t been this down in the dumps for a long time, but after dealing with this big weight on my shoulders for sometime and still not knowing any answers, I’m getting quite irritated. I don’t have any form of security – even though I know funding is on it’s way. I just don’t feel secure. I feel like I’m just blowing around in the wind. I don’t look forward to waking up in the morning because it seems like it’s just the same ol’ shit. I can’t move forward with anything. No matter how much I try. I can’t take this pressure anymore. I’ve lost sight of myself.

I’m even starting to push the love of my life away during my time of depression. I just want to be me and just move forward with everything. I’ve grown tired of being stuck at where I’m at. I want a life’s purpose. With it being prime ice cream time right now, and the pressure on to get open and get the funding here as soon as possible, I don’t know what’s going to go on. I just want my funding to arrive so I can move forward not for just me, but my family, and my boyfriend.

This is something I worked hard for. I want to accomplish something for once that I set out to do. I’m tired of being told good ideas and them never coming through. I just want my funding to get here. I need some cash to work with. I’m tired of being drained of all my cash to go into a business that is a rich idea – but is at a stand still.

The anxious nature in my house – the stress – the insecurity.

I can’t take it anymore.

– Mercy

New Chapter – Out with the Old.

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New Chapter: 

Step One: Out with the Old

Creeps,

         My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.

         This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.

         We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.

  What I did:

  • Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
  • Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
  • Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
  • Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
  • Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)

Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity

-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html

– Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment

Mystic Land

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In the mystic lands.

With food so plenty.

Where mystery creatures,

were once our teachers.

A world where the mind,

was free to fully bloom.

Knowledge was power.

No bias media to consume.

Where has this mystic land gone?

Why was there only one?

Oh where is this mystic land?

Why are we fed the devil’s hand?

The heart & soul had reigned on earth.

The mighty evil powers, struck down by the Gods.

Simplicity based.

Born to strive necessity.

Not luxury.

Where has this mystic land gone?

Why was there only one?

Oh where is this mystic land?

Why are we fed the devil’s hand?

We live in a world where knowledge is terrorism.

A heart the enemy, people roaming hungry.

The creatures are now extinct.

We’re programmed to think.

Where has this mystic land gone?

Why was there only one?

Oh where is this mystic land?

Why are we fed the devil’s hand?

Home is this mystic land.

Where I strive to be.

Oh, take me to this mystic land.

Just please set me free.

Home is this mystic land.

A human being I shall be.

With fields of imagination.

Heaps of creativity.

Where has this mystic land gone?

Why was there only one?

Oh where is this mystic land?

Why are we fed the devil’s hand?

Home is this mystic land.

Please take me home.

Where I can roam free.

I want to go home.

© Mercy Desdemona 2013

Anti-Suited

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You fear what makes you human.

God forbid you shed a tear.

You corporate suited asshole.

I am what you fear.

Forget your words of wisdom.

They only help your pay.

While I drown myself in alcohol.

And deal with self decay.

Never trust a suit.

In a dream pursuit.

They’ll take away your freedom.

Jail your creativity.

Make you an empty shell.

Drenched in paranoia.

You hide behind a desk.

Cry in the fetal position.

Fear what freedom has next.

I refuse to be your corporate bitch.

I refuse to help your gain.

You’re so far from working man’s pain.

Attempt to take my soul.

Attempt to take my heart.

You corporate suited asshole.

I will tear your guts apart.

You fear what makes you human.

You sacrifice yourself.

Hope you OD on anxiety pills.

When you shut your eyes tonight.

Corporations aren’t human.

© Mercy Desdemona 2013