Dea

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Hello Me.

As you’re writing this, you are a super broke goth chick with brains and a heart of gold. Regardless of what is being thrown at you, you always turn out fine. You’re a fighter and all the fights are worth the battle. You will win the war and get out of this jail of poverty and be enlightened with what you need to move forward in this beautiful world. You are a moon child. Lover of the night. You are a dark rose waiting to blossom through the feet of snow. Even though, it keeps coming down heavy, wet, and cold. You know you’ll make it. You are a lovely creepy darling. You will have a successful blog and channel, successful music career, successful business… why? Because you can! You have the strength of a thousand men and even though you are reading these words right now with tears pouring down your porcelain face… you know deep inside it will be alright.

 

– Me.

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Depression break through?

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Okay so I’ve been here on and off as I’ve tried to find myself and deal with my self loathing issues. Granted that my depression is still around, It’s more under control. After a severe mental break down yesterday, I came clear with my insecurities and worries to my love. I hadn’t talked to him about it before because I was afraid to come off as a crazy and lunatic woman. It felt good to be able to talk to him again. For a while, I have been shutting him out and only thinking negatively. Hence, the notes to myself. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him around.

 

Last night, I went to a gig and need to start compiling the DVD of the footage for the sirs in the band. My love got to play a little bit with the band and I’m happy for him! Since today is his birthday, I’m going to make it a very special day for him! 🙂 I guess, the major problem with depression is it turns us into monsters when we bottle up emotions. I refuse any pharmaceutical drugs as they make me physically ill and tired constantly. My love and I have agreed that when I get in my little slump, we’ll talk things out and I need to be more open with communication.

 

My brain is all scrambled up at the moment. it’s 8:19AM and I’m awake. Most likely because of the cold temperature in our house. Also, because I’m trying to get an insecurity out of my damned brain. I can’t wait to work on music though! It’s been a long time coming.

 

I guess, my break through was more of a break down/break through when I realized what a monster I had become. And I realized that I may have been hurting the feelings of the one man I love the most. Depression doesn’t just affect me, it also affected him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything to help me.

When indeed, he’s all I need.

 

– Mercy

Venting Book #2

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(Venting book is what I write to myself when I’m going through a hard time. A way to handle my severe depression. )

 

Hey Idiot.

Why are you letting the monster in you win? Don’t believe it! It’s as untrustworthy as a republican.

You have to stop hating yourself for no reason. It will eventually cause you to push people away… and you know this! You’ve been through it so many times!

Admit to yourself all your flaws. You’re not perfect. Embrace it doll! You’re amazing!

Stop picturing yourself driving off the bridge. You won’t do it because you love life so much. Even with the curse of empathy.

You’ll never be apathetic. It’s not in your blood. Stop trying to be apathetic.

You are a creative woman. A mind that is in a weird place. Follow your spirit guide and win.

You struggle with yourself daily. Ever since you were a small kid.

Wound so tight.

 

The voices in your head will never stop! Get used to it! Just get used to it! They are there to stay.

The dreams of crashing and burning a fiery death are your anger only. You don’t want to really die or else you’d be gone by now.

 

22. You’re fucking 22! Start acting like it! Go after those dreams! DO IT! DO IT!

 

Stop running from what you want to do! You coward! Your shyness is ruining everything! You have great ideas in your head! Follow through with them!

Revamp your blog and youtube. Revamp your Deviantart. Be the woman you know you are. Others don’t matter.

Stop being awkward about life. You only have one.  Don’t be like the people around you. Learn from their mistakes and continue on to be a successful young woman.

 

– Mercy

Venting Book

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(found this in a notebook – I wrote this to myself when I was upset, I do this to calm myself down and think rationally about a situation.)

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

 

Shut up all of you! You think I don’t know the bills are due? I’m doing all I can. Working so many jobs and so many hours. My life on this hamster wheel has taken me down a path of depression, self loathing, and deep regret. Losing myself within the stress. I can’t even find the voice that once was mine. Oh the horror and the shame. A young lass giving up the game. Bitch, I don’t give up. I succeed… and get even.

 

Pain deep within my stomach. Puking up last nights dinner. No breakfast. Drive to work. Little pay. Fill gas tank. Waste of the day. I can’t stand this! Where is the art? Where is the beauty? Where is the young lass that I once was? How did I become to ugly? So cold. So emotionless.

Hatred instead of love. Push and shove.

Beat the fuck out of you. Just beat it!

 

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

You’re such a bitch sometimes. You’re so dumb. Now you’re proud of yourself you’re fine. Consumed by technology.

Gave your heart to everyone and they took it away. Took your listening ear and abused it.

 

Your life stopped being about you and your happiness.

You’ve sacrificed yourself!

STOP IT YOU DUMB BITCH!

Do I have to fucking slap it out of you?!

 

WAKE UP!

 

JUST WAKE UP! STOP TAKING THEIR SHIT!

YOU’VE GOT AN AMAZING FAMILY AND A GREAT BOYFRIEND. STOP SACRIFICING YOUR SOUL TO “FRIENDS” THAT ARE NEVER THERE UNLESS THEY NEED SOMETHING! THOSE AREN’T FRIENDS! TAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN ADVICE!

 

STOP BENDING BACKWARDS FOR PEOPLE THAT AREN’T IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE! THEY DON’T GIVE TWO HELLS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

KEEP THE CIRCLE ROLLING AND YOU’LL SUCCEED.

YOUR BOYFRIEND LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!

YOUR FAMILY IS THERE FOR YOU!

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSRON!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL – EVEN IF YOU NEED YOUR BRACES! YOU’LL GET THERE!

YOU’RE A KICK ASS CHICK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD YOUR STRENGTH.

EVEN IF THERE ARE TIMES IT DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY…

 

BRUSH OFF THE DIRT AND GET BACK UP.

BECAUSE YOUR SOUL….

IS STRONG!

 

DON’T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS SOUL ON THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER.

MAKE FILMS. JAM WITH THE BAND. BRING HOME THE BACON. SUCCEED!

DO IT! YOU’VE GOT IT DEEP INSIDE YOU! EVEN THOUGH YOU FEEL ALONE.

 

KICK LIFES ASS SO YOU CAN GROW OLD GRACEFULLY AND WITH NO REGRETS!

CHAINS AND SHACKLES BE GONE!

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #2

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Creeps. Earthlings. Whatever you are.

I honestly think I’m annoyed at depression. Can one be annoyed at depression? I think so. I’m actually tired of being a mopey dope. But I have no energy to not be a mopey dope… so I sit here and pick at every insecurity I have with myself and relationships and tear everything into little bits until I have no idea what I’m doing.

I picture myself in a mental institution, and I’m the patient in the corner of the room with a table putting the puzzle together… but the other patients in the room keep spilling their coffee all over the place. 

So what did my depressive state do today:

  • Pushed away people I care about. 
  • Made a scene & cried throughout town.
  • Decided to have dark daydreams…. 
  • Rocked back and forth.

What I did today to feel better:

  • Sang “The Pass” by Rush.
  • Deep breathing exercises.
  • Re-evaluated life choices.
  • Started to concentrate on important things.
  • Stopped stressing.

-Mercy

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #1

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Hello Creeps.

Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.

So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.

I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.

I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.

So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.

Here’s my game plan:

  • Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
  • Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
  • Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
  • Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
  • Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
  • Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.

 

Here we go my creeps.

Blood & Guts,

 

Mercy Desdemona

Depression Update

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Hey Creeps!

My depression and anxiety has been making a come back. So let’s see if I can listen to my own advice when it comes to this.

Below are the steps that I have started taking to get in control of my depression. I refuse anti-depressants – as all they do is make me a zombie and even more depressed. Nature is my force.

 

  • Depression Journal – Vent it out!
  • Creativity – Have a creative hour or 1/2 hour (depending on the day!) to let energy flow and allow brain to relax. Music and writing are my forms of meditation.
  • Walking – Going for a daily stroll with my beloved and have it not be about venting time.
  • Mirror Time – Giving myself positive feedback in the mirror.

Those are my beginning steps. Cheers to moving forward and battling this demon.

– Mercy