Dea

0

Hello Me.

As you’re writing this, you are a super broke goth chick with brains and a heart of gold. Regardless of what is being thrown at you, you always turn out fine. You’re a fighter and all the fights are worth the battle. You will win the war and get out of this jail of poverty and be enlightened with what you need to move forward in this beautiful world. You are a moon child. Lover of the night. You are a dark rose waiting to blossom through the feet of snow. Even though, it keeps coming down heavy, wet, and cold. You know you’ll make it. You are a lovely creepy darling. You will have a successful blog and channel, successful music career, successful business… why? Because you can! You have the strength of a thousand men and even though you are reading these words right now with tears pouring down your porcelain face… you know deep inside it will be alright.

 

– Me.

Depression break through?

0

Okay so I’ve been here on and off as I’ve tried to find myself and deal with my self loathing issues. Granted that my depression is still around, It’s more under control. After a severe mental break down yesterday, I came clear with my insecurities and worries to my love. I hadn’t talked to him about it before because I was afraid to come off as a crazy and lunatic woman. It felt good to be able to talk to him again. For a while, I have been shutting him out and only thinking negatively. Hence, the notes to myself. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him around.

 

Last night, I went to a gig and need to start compiling the DVD of the footage for the sirs in the band. My love got to play a little bit with the band and I’m happy for him! Since today is his birthday, I’m going to make it a very special day for him! 🙂 I guess, the major problem with depression is it turns us into monsters when we bottle up emotions. I refuse any pharmaceutical drugs as they make me physically ill and tired constantly. My love and I have agreed that when I get in my little slump, we’ll talk things out and I need to be more open with communication.

 

My brain is all scrambled up at the moment. it’s 8:19AM and I’m awake. Most likely because of the cold temperature in our house. Also, because I’m trying to get an insecurity out of my damned brain. I can’t wait to work on music though! It’s been a long time coming.

 

I guess, my break through was more of a break down/break through when I realized what a monster I had become. And I realized that I may have been hurting the feelings of the one man I love the most. Depression doesn’t just affect me, it also affected him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything to help me.

When indeed, he’s all I need.

 

– Mercy

Venting Book #2

0

(Venting book is what I write to myself when I’m going through a hard time. A way to handle my severe depression. )

 

Hey Idiot.

Why are you letting the monster in you win? Don’t believe it! It’s as untrustworthy as a republican.

You have to stop hating yourself for no reason. It will eventually cause you to push people away… and you know this! You’ve been through it so many times!

Admit to yourself all your flaws. You’re not perfect. Embrace it doll! You’re amazing!

Stop picturing yourself driving off the bridge. You won’t do it because you love life so much. Even with the curse of empathy.

You’ll never be apathetic. It’s not in your blood. Stop trying to be apathetic.

You are a creative woman. A mind that is in a weird place. Follow your spirit guide and win.

You struggle with yourself daily. Ever since you were a small kid.

Wound so tight.

 

The voices in your head will never stop! Get used to it! Just get used to it! They are there to stay.

The dreams of crashing and burning a fiery death are your anger only. You don’t want to really die or else you’d be gone by now.

 

22. You’re fucking 22! Start acting like it! Go after those dreams! DO IT! DO IT!

 

Stop running from what you want to do! You coward! Your shyness is ruining everything! You have great ideas in your head! Follow through with them!

Revamp your blog and youtube. Revamp your Deviantart. Be the woman you know you are. Others don’t matter.

Stop being awkward about life. You only have one.  Don’t be like the people around you. Learn from their mistakes and continue on to be a successful young woman.

 

– Mercy

Venting Book

0

(found this in a notebook – I wrote this to myself when I was upset, I do this to calm myself down and think rationally about a situation.)

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

 

Shut up all of you! You think I don’t know the bills are due? I’m doing all I can. Working so many jobs and so many hours. My life on this hamster wheel has taken me down a path of depression, self loathing, and deep regret. Losing myself within the stress. I can’t even find the voice that once was mine. Oh the horror and the shame. A young lass giving up the game. Bitch, I don’t give up. I succeed… and get even.

 

Pain deep within my stomach. Puking up last nights dinner. No breakfast. Drive to work. Little pay. Fill gas tank. Waste of the day. I can’t stand this! Where is the art? Where is the beauty? Where is the young lass that I once was? How did I become to ugly? So cold. So emotionless.

Hatred instead of love. Push and shove.

Beat the fuck out of you. Just beat it!

 

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

You’re such a bitch sometimes. You’re so dumb. Now you’re proud of yourself you’re fine. Consumed by technology.

Gave your heart to everyone and they took it away. Took your listening ear and abused it.

 

Your life stopped being about you and your happiness.

You’ve sacrificed yourself!

STOP IT YOU DUMB BITCH!

Do I have to fucking slap it out of you?!

 

WAKE UP!

 

JUST WAKE UP! STOP TAKING THEIR SHIT!

YOU’VE GOT AN AMAZING FAMILY AND A GREAT BOYFRIEND. STOP SACRIFICING YOUR SOUL TO “FRIENDS” THAT ARE NEVER THERE UNLESS THEY NEED SOMETHING! THOSE AREN’T FRIENDS! TAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN ADVICE!

 

STOP BENDING BACKWARDS FOR PEOPLE THAT AREN’T IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE! THEY DON’T GIVE TWO HELLS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

KEEP THE CIRCLE ROLLING AND YOU’LL SUCCEED.

YOUR BOYFRIEND LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!

YOUR FAMILY IS THERE FOR YOU!

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSRON!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL – EVEN IF YOU NEED YOUR BRACES! YOU’LL GET THERE!

YOU’RE A KICK ASS CHICK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD YOUR STRENGTH.

EVEN IF THERE ARE TIMES IT DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY…

 

BRUSH OFF THE DIRT AND GET BACK UP.

BECAUSE YOUR SOUL….

IS STRONG!

 

DON’T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS SOUL ON THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER.

MAKE FILMS. JAM WITH THE BAND. BRING HOME THE BACON. SUCCEED!

DO IT! YOU’VE GOT IT DEEP INSIDE YOU! EVEN THOUGH YOU FEEL ALONE.

 

KICK LIFES ASS SO YOU CAN GROW OLD GRACEFULLY AND WITH NO REGRETS!

CHAINS AND SHACKLES BE GONE!

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #2

1

Creeps. Earthlings. Whatever you are.

I honestly think I’m annoyed at depression. Can one be annoyed at depression? I think so. I’m actually tired of being a mopey dope. But I have no energy to not be a mopey dope… so I sit here and pick at every insecurity I have with myself and relationships and tear everything into little bits until I have no idea what I’m doing.

I picture myself in a mental institution, and I’m the patient in the corner of the room with a table putting the puzzle together… but the other patients in the room keep spilling their coffee all over the place. 

So what did my depressive state do today:

  • Pushed away people I care about. 
  • Made a scene & cried throughout town.
  • Decided to have dark daydreams…. 
  • Rocked back and forth.

What I did today to feel better:

  • Sang “The Pass” by Rush.
  • Deep breathing exercises.
  • Re-evaluated life choices.
  • Started to concentrate on important things.
  • Stopped stressing.

-Mercy

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #1

0

Hello Creeps.

Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.

So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.

I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.

I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.

So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.

Here’s my game plan:

  • Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
  • Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
  • Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
  • Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
  • Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
  • Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.

 

Here we go my creeps.

Blood & Guts,

 

Mercy Desdemona

Depression Update

2

Hey Creeps!

My depression and anxiety has been making a come back. So let’s see if I can listen to my own advice when it comes to this.

Below are the steps that I have started taking to get in control of my depression. I refuse anti-depressants – as all they do is make me a zombie and even more depressed. Nature is my force.

 

  • Depression Journal – Vent it out!
  • Creativity – Have a creative hour or 1/2 hour (depending on the day!) to let energy flow and allow brain to relax. Music and writing are my forms of meditation.
  • Walking – Going for a daily stroll with my beloved and have it not be about venting time.
  • Mirror Time – Giving myself positive feedback in the mirror.

Those are my beginning steps. Cheers to moving forward and battling this demon.

– Mercy

Battle with Depression

0

Depression doesn’t define character of a person. Depression is a sign that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. At least, that’s how it was in my case. I suffered from depression so deep that I didn’t realize how deep it was. I started being negative all the time and dragging people down with me. The cause of my depression was my caring nature. (Wait..what?) Yes. That’s right. My caring nature. I started to be there for people so much that I got consumed in their issues I forgot to pay attention to myself. I started to feel hate towards friends and felt like I wasn’t being heard because when I would try to discuss a situation going on in my life, they would scatter away. Like it never mattered.

After having a falling out with a friend that was someone I saw as a sister, I came to realize that she wasn’t a friend when she uses my depression as a definition of my character. I was wrong to be negative all the time and drag people down with me. But, I suppose that was my cry for help. And when I didn’t receive it, I got frustrated. At first, I tried to justify my actions to this person because I thought since we were friends for a long time we could discuss the matter like adults should. I was wrong. Because instead of seeing that I was dealing with depression, I became defined as a person with poor character.

Depression messes with your brain. It causes you to become paranoid, sad, dreadful, suicidal even. I started having dreams of myself lying cold dead. That was my wake up call. Hitting rock bottom was the hardest thing I had to do as a person. For so long, I was the strong one for people that I neglected my own world to bring me down so much.

The positive side of going through an issue like this, you realize the people that are there for you. Through thick and thin. And you realize who is just dependent on you, on your life. My depression was a negative that I turned into a positive.

I am a very creative individual. A musician, writer, hobbyist photographer. I used to use these creative outlets for my depression all through high school. I always felt unheard and that I didn’t have a life purpose for so long. As college started, I stopped doing these outlets that made me content and sort out my issues. It was the biggest mistake of my life and that is why I took a break from school.

I’ve grown tired as an individual having to justify my actions and my views for people that spit on me when I was on the ground. Yesterday, a letter was written to the individual that was like a sister. The only thing that was received back was how horrible a person I was and negative. No chance to learn who I am as a human being. That folks, is how you know things aren’t worth it.

Depression is a signal that there is something wrong and that your life needs your attention. Don’t brush it off as a grain of salt, and whatever you do, don’t get on anti-depressants (they only mask the problem, they don’t fix the problem. How can you fix the problem when you’re a doped up zombie?)

  1. Don’t be ashamed that you have depression – We all at some point feel the depression blues but we don’t know how to handle it.
  2. Pay attention to yourself – You know yourself better than anybody. If you start thinking thoughts that you don’t usually think or chase away people that you love, you know there’s something not right. You may also feel scared.
  3. Panic Attacks – Panic attacks came along with my depression. It may not for everyone, but that is a clear sign you need to cool it before you go bonkers.
  4. Talk – Talk with those around you. Loved ones, a significant other, friends. Let them know where you’re at. Those that listen will be there to help. Those that turn away weren’t friends anyway.

Here’s the steps I took personally to get over my depression:

  • Say goodbye to people that don’t matter – These are the people that are fraud people in your life.
  • Say goodbye to the past pain – The past is the past. If you keep staying in the past, you will repeat it because your mind is focused upon it. Too many people concentrate on the past, they neglect the present and future.
  • Cut down time on the web & Social Media! – This one I’m keeping bold, because it’s definitely one of the major causes of my depression. Being on the web all the time for college (I was an online student), made me get scooped up in the web too much to the point my life lost it’s oomph! Social Media should be a fun tool to get in touch with people or network. But as a society we get wrapped up in it. Creeps, don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. Only use facebook once a week. See how much more relaxed the world is around you!
  • Start being you! – Start being who you are. Stop trying to be perfect and stop justifying your choices to people. We all make good and bad. Human nature. Move forward!

– Mercy

 

What am I to do?!

4

I’m not doing to well my creeps. My chances of getting funding for my family’s business is really slim due to the fact that I have “young” credit. I don’t know what to do at all. I could go to the local bank I guess… but I keep hearing I need a co-signer. I don’t have anyone. This business is crucial to my family’s situation! I feel like I failed my family and I can’t do anything. 

New Chapter – Out with the Old.

0

New Chapter: 

Step One: Out with the Old

Creeps,

         My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.

         This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.

         We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.

  What I did:

  • Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
  • Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
  • Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
  • Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
  • Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)

Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity

-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html

– Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment