Three things that I think are important to everyday life. Why do we live in a world where we are ashamed to be of a creative heart? Where the imagination of an innocent child is seen as a mental disorder? And that those that show emotion are weak?
We should be more imaginative, more creative, and emotional.
We should embrace it all.
Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.
So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.
I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.
I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.
So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.
Here’s my game plan:
- Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
- Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
- Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
- Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
- Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
- Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.
Here we go my creeps.
Blood & Guts,
Whilst at work, I was watching the music video for White Zombie’s More Human than Human. When I was a little girl, I used to hear and watch this video all the time. That is the band that caught my attention with bass. Especially, since a female was on the bass guitar. Me being the little curly haired blonde that I was would secretly pretend I was Sean Yseult.
Image from Google Images.
Yep. Thanks to Sean I was inspired to up the bass. Although it wasn’t easy. I first tried out drums. But drums didn’t feel “me” at all. I felt off. It wasn’t my place nor in my heart. In the school band I was a clarinetist, but at home I would start practicing bass material on this cheapo off-brand bass guitar that was picked up at a fire station garage sale. I’ve always been attracted to the sound of the bass. Whether it’s in a Groovy metal tone such as White Zombie, Heavy Doom like in Type O, and my favorite DISTORTION! For some reason, the sound of the bass felt in my heart. I could relate, pour my heart out and just play for hours.
Old Picture of good ol’ Me.
The first song that I came up with was of Halloween creatures. I would stand up in front of my grandma’s dishwasher – so I could see my reflection – and sing as loud and lovely as I could about the moon, the stars, and the “skelskins” (skeletons – gimmie a break! I was 3!). I would continue to sing on about how the creatures weren’t scary at all but how they were my friends. (if that didn’t hint to the fact that I would turn into this:
© Mercy Desdemona 2013
I do not know..)
Back to my tale, I would always sing songs that had a sort of story. All coming from my imagination. As a young adult, I see that I am still that person. Music is my calling and will never leave me. Being a vocalist and bass player means a lot to me. It’s where I know everything is okay. It’s where I know my imagination is still alive within me. Creativity never dies. I am proud to be of the imaginative kind. So many people grow up to become the stereotype that you must let dreams die and sacrifice your well being for it all.
That my friends, isn’t the case. What is the point of living life a lie when you could be living the life you’ve always wanted and enjoy it?
Have a dreadful Thursday mourning.
— Mercy Desdemona —