Venting Book #2

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(Venting book is what I write to myself when I’m going through a hard time. A way to handle my severe depression. )

 

Hey Idiot.

Why are you letting the monster in you win? Don’t believe it! It’s as untrustworthy as a republican.

You have to stop hating yourself for no reason. It will eventually cause you to push people away… and you know this! You’ve been through it so many times!

Admit to yourself all your flaws. You’re not perfect. Embrace it doll! You’re amazing!

Stop picturing yourself driving off the bridge. You won’t do it because you love life so much. Even with the curse of empathy.

You’ll never be apathetic. It’s not in your blood. Stop trying to be apathetic.

You are a creative woman. A mind that is in a weird place. Follow your spirit guide and win.

You struggle with yourself daily. Ever since you were a small kid.

Wound so tight.

 

The voices in your head will never stop! Get used to it! Just get used to it! They are there to stay.

The dreams of crashing and burning a fiery death are your anger only. You don’t want to really die or else you’d be gone by now.

 

22. You’re fucking 22! Start acting like it! Go after those dreams! DO IT! DO IT!

 

Stop running from what you want to do! You coward! Your shyness is ruining everything! You have great ideas in your head! Follow through with them!

Revamp your blog and youtube. Revamp your Deviantart. Be the woman you know you are. Others don’t matter.

Stop being awkward about life. You only have one.  Don’t be like the people around you. Learn from their mistakes and continue on to be a successful young woman.

 

– Mercy

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Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #2

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Creeps. Earthlings. Whatever you are.

I honestly think I’m annoyed at depression. Can one be annoyed at depression? I think so. I’m actually tired of being a mopey dope. But I have no energy to not be a mopey dope… so I sit here and pick at every insecurity I have with myself and relationships and tear everything into little bits until I have no idea what I’m doing.

I picture myself in a mental institution, and I’m the patient in the corner of the room with a table putting the puzzle together… but the other patients in the room keep spilling their coffee all over the place. 

So what did my depressive state do today:

  • Pushed away people I care about. 
  • Made a scene & cried throughout town.
  • Decided to have dark daydreams…. 
  • Rocked back and forth.

What I did today to feel better:

  • Sang “The Pass” by Rush.
  • Deep breathing exercises.
  • Re-evaluated life choices.
  • Started to concentrate on important things.
  • Stopped stressing.

-Mercy

Me Vs. Depression – Daily Blog #1

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Hello Creeps.

Although this blog is for my reviews and videos, I also would like to take the time out to have something that may help someone if they reach this depression point. I know previously today, I have talked about my depression and a quick list of things I started to do. I want to do a daily blog of my journey through depression as I’m doing it without the use of drugs or professional help. Not that I’m against professional help – but I think after all the help I got through the years, it’s time for me to help myself. I do assure you that if this gets out of hand, I will seek help if needed on an emergency basis.

So, here we go! I’m Mercy. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better with my social anxiety. Doing youtube videos and live shows has helped me over come that, but I still get anxiety in my town. Basically because I think it’s some sort of brain morphing. I’ve never been this way, and I want to shed light on who Mercy really is and be confident. My depression has come back full swing. It got to the point where I was throwing things across the room, breaking items, and I would even push my lover out of my way when he would try to hug me. I’ve hit a big rock bottom like never before. I’ve actually just come to realize that I’ve always had a battle with the evil little monster, Depression. It has ruined a lot of chances I had in my life. That an suffocating the spirit inside of me. I’m ashamed of me?! I really honestly had no idea that I was this whole time. Here I thought I was confident, but I turn weak kneed little girl in front of my family and public. The only time I really feel alive is my videos, being with my boyfriend and being with our friends.

I don’t want to be cookie cutter made. I am me. I am different than most people in my family. No, I’m not a whiz at mathematics nor do I find it interesting to repeat the same age old debates on repeat and live in the past. I am me. I was a very creative individual with a headstrong mindset. Over the years, that has seemed to dwindle and I want to bring me to life. I’m a young woman of 21 years of age coming to a revelation like I’m someone with a mid-life crises. I live my life like an elderly individual. I don’t go out to places, I rarely do the things I love anymore and I’m constantly working 24/7 that it’s coming between my relationships.

I know that funding is important to my family’s business. We’re currently waiting the delivery of our funding cards to begin working and moving forward. The problem is that people are anxious, and I have this horrid gift of feeling what people are feeling before they even open their mouths. I can feel all the abundance of emotion. What we need to do right now is deal with the life path the world has given us. My funding advisors have even stated several times, we cannot speed up the process. I don’t know what more everyone wants from me. I just want to continue trucking along and get over this final hump to begin.

So this is where I’m going to blog a bit about my steps and moving forward with depression. Hopefully, I over come it and these posts will be of some use to someone.

Here’s my game plan:

  • Daily walk to post office and deep breathing exercises a long the way.
  • Work from 10 – 2 and 3-6.
  • Have creative hour – take up keyboard, start singing, writing, reading, researching, brainstorming, reviewing!
  • Turn off computer hour – Time to spend with my lover and family if they want too. A chance to say “Ahhh” after working and such.
  • Mirror exercise – Talk to myself in the mirror about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. Usually done when brushing teeth or hair or after shower.
  • Get back into things that I love and embrace my inner energy.

 

Here we go my creeps.

Blood & Guts,

 

Mercy Desdemona

Waiting Game

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Hello Creeps.

Let me tell you, nothing is more nerve racking than wondering about something that’s been on your mind so damn much. The funding, the music festival…It’s to the point where I’m exhausted and can’t sleep! It’s 6:31AM and I’ve been up since 4:30AM just wondering and pacing. The Jeopardy “Think Music” comes to play.

– Mercy Desdemona ~

New Chapter – Out with the Old.

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New Chapter: 

Step One: Out with the Old

Creeps,

         My belly is full of bats circling around like maniacs as I begin my new chapter in my young life. You all seemed to enjoy my “Battle with Insecurities” blog. I really appreciate all the kind words I get from you followers. To be honest, this blog is helping me towards my goal and each follow, like and comment is really motivational! So thank you lots for taking your time to waste time with my existence.

         This post is going to be a little similar to my insecurities blog. I’ve been struggling with depression, insecurities, and built up anger for some time now and I just noticed last month that I needed to let things go and move on instead of staying in one place. I can’t expect anything of my life if I stay in the same portion – because of pain, anger, insecurities, fears, and the fact that I’m in my comfort zone.

         We’ll talk about what I did to do Step One of the new chapter. I’m going to be writing a “New Chapter” blog once a week. Hopefully, it will help you guys in your endeavors. Step One: Out with the Old! You can’t move forward if you still are stuck with old grievances, situations, etc.

  What I did:

  • Write a letter – whether you decide to send it to recipient or not is up to you, but in my situation I had 5 people that claimed to be dear friends leave me when I was in the dirt. Instead of helping my depression, they beat me down for it. They bullied me and attempted to shape me into their ideals and mannerisms instead of being my friend. I can admit even I was at fault for my poor attitude, but even when I did reach out for help politely, I got spit on. My advice, write a Neutral letter letting all your feelings out. What I mean by neutral is – a letter that won’t spark hard feelings or argument. Be straight and to the point, but in a polite and calm manner. It will be taken a lot more seriously. I sent my letters via facebook to those that beat me down. Whether they read it or not is their option. I say that because I did it for myself and wouldn’t keep any hard feelings within me.
  • Write down goals – Write down your goals in a notebook. My notebook is full of goals and looks like chicken scratch (hopefully you guys have better penmanship!) Writing down your list of goals sounds lame and cheesy but honestly, it gets the brain focused. Here are a few Goals from my list: 1 – Get family business Established. 2 – Practice Vocals. 3 – Write horror script. 4 – Publish a short-story book series (13 books total). 5 – Get my band in order. 6 – Get music store established at a physical building.
  • Look at the people around you – During your depression or time of need, take a good look at the people that stuck by your side. These people are true to your life and will be there anytime. For me, my boyfriend was very helpful in helping me get out of my depression, my father, and my best friend from high school who I hadn’t seen or talked too in 3 years! These people have seen me at my worst and know how to be there for me when I’m in my dark space or my happy space. I thank them very much for the support, help, and care they have given to me!
  • Attack Goal 1 – Start attacking that first goal. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride. Surprisingly, I am working well to getting my family’s business well-established and open by the summer. It’s giving me opportunities that wouldn’t be available to me otherwise! It’s giving me experience and connections within the business community. And most of all, it’s my way of contributing to my family. Starting on that first goal will re-build your confidence! So do it!
  • Embrace being human! – We are human beings. We have ups and downs. Side to sides! Flip flops! Belly Flops! Climbs and falls! It is what is so beautiful about us. Embrace your humanity. Your creativity. Your emotion! Embrace that fact that your tears and laughter are milestones in your life. That your pain is an obstacle to make you a much better human being. Embrace that fact that we too are apart of nature and not a machine. We are part of the seasons, sunsets and sunrises. Full moons that light the night, and the stars above are our souls. We are just human. Nothing wrong with that! (I know I say this frequently in my blog posts like this, but damn it! It’s so important!)

Creeps, I do hope you enjoyed this blog entry and that it was somewhat helpful. Tune in next week as I march over another obstacle and attempt to share with you helpful tips!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity

-Albert Einsten: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/humanity.html

– Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona of Unsuccessful Entertainment

Battle with Insecurities

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My Battle with Insecurities

Dearest Creeps,

                I thought I would share my experience with insecurities to sort of help people that stumble upon this blog. Please, forgive me for my horrible wording and blunt nature. I just have to be myself, and this blog isn’t an attack on anyone. (It’s sad that now I have to type that disclaimer.) I battled with insecurities for a long time. Mainly because I was uncomfortable with who I was and never showed it to the public eye of what I was going through within my mind, body, and soul. I am a very private individual, only usually sharing my opinions on certain subjects. But, I see a lot of people going through what I had to go through and I don’t want people to almost hit rock bottom like I have.

              I was the person in the back of the classroom, that the teachers didn’t ever know if I was actually present or just skipping school. The bookworm, rocking the “Cousin It” hair do and voted “Most Independent” & “Quietest” in a high school yearbook. I’m a short person, in need of braces, dealing with personal issues at the time and struggles that almost completely devoured my sanity. At first, I didn’t really have a specific outlet for my issues. I didn’t trust the friends that were around me because I was a very untrusting individual when it came to “outsiders” of myself.

              I was a victim of bullying – not only at school, but by my mother at home. I had to deal with feeling completely down about myself almost 24/7. I dumbed myself down so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pushed around. I didn’t want to be the smart kid or the person people pushed around at all. I was hiding who I really was – just to avoid people in general. I wanted nothing to do with the world around me.

           One thing I didn’t realize until my Junior year in high school  – I was my own worst enemy, my own personal bully. I dealt with social anxiety. I didn’t feel confident even doing a book report in front of the class and it was all becuase of what my brain was causing me to think about the audience. The fear over took me and I allowed my grades, friendships, work plummet all becuase of this issue.

          I am proud to say that I am over it. And here is how:

  1. Admit & Realize you are your own worst enemyHardest thing to do in all honesty. Mainly becuase as humans we don’t want to see the faults that we have. We always want to point the finger – and it’s wrong. Yes, there are other factors that can cause you to have a problem. But with insecurities, I found out that the worst enemy was myself! I started actually verbally beating myself down until I was in tears – Without even realizing it was the issue!
  2. Look it Over – Look it over! Picture the issue like a rock in your hands. Flip it over. Look at it all over. Notice what parts are smooth, what parts are rough and unpleasant to the touch. Identify what parts you’d like to smooth out.
  3. Out of the Box – Step out of your comfort zone. Honestly, I had to start making videos and talk more in public to get out of my fears and insecurities. I didn’t think my ideas or thoughts were important or helpful in any situation becuase for so long I was treated like I was the village idiot! Never be ashamed of what skills and thoughts you can offer to the table! We live in a society where intelligence is bashed for absolutely NO REASON!
  4. Find an Outlet/Hobby – I know, I know. This is in all the self-help books and pamphlets. But, honestly it’s quite helpful. I started to express myself through writing and music and picked up photography as a hobby. It helped me control the emotions and keep my mind on a thoughtful and correct track. Not only that, but it helped me build my confidence!
  5. Say your faults outloud! – Go lock yourself in the bathroom. Look at your faults – we all have them becuase we’re human. And mention them to yourself. Why the hell would I have you do this when I said stop bullying yourself? Because in order to be confident about yourself you have to be able to accept the fact that you are a human being. You aren’t perfect. You have faults. Here’s 3 things on my list: I have an overbite, I despise – My nose is crooked from when it was broken – I can be brutally honest and hurt people without realizing.
  6. Accept your faults – Accept you! – Life is too short to allow insecurities to stop you from achieving your dreams, goals and desires. Sometimes it’s up to you to light your own fire beneath yourself to get you going. Accept the fact that you aren’t perfect. That in life you never stop learning. That the world is an interesting place, that can teach us how to move forward instead of repeating history. That you are capable of going on doing your own thing and not have to worry about the asshole trying to knock you down becuase they are forever alone and most likely talk to a stuffed teddy bear named Lou.

I don’t know if my words mean anything to anyone out there in the world. And, I sure as hell am not a professional. I just want to tell you from my eyes and from my experience. If some of these things apply to you and help you – I’m glad. If not, it’s alright to becuase composing this blog post helped myself as an individual.

Never sell yourself into the bully’s word and become what they claim you are!

I must go. My stomach is alerting me that it is in need of some food. Away to the fridge.

Blood & Guts,

Mercy Desdemona