Can you Hear me?

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Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I have a taste for self loathing.

Striving for a perfect image.

I am insane. More than you know.

I’m just afraid that you will go.

 

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I won’t lie, I have given myself pain.

I won’t lie, I’ve only ruined myself.

I won’t lie, i’m my own enemy.

 

In the mirror I see the monster I know is me.

Even though, you claim to gaze upon beauty. 

My fears devour me when I try to sleep.

Medication making me just weak.

I’m reaching out to you.

I don’t you’ll reach back to me.

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

I will drown in my own madness.

Maybe some day, I will be able to live again.

Here I am in the same pine box.

Haunted by the ticking clock. 

 

Can you hear me, my beloved? 

Can you feel me, my beloved?

Can you sense the pain I feel, my beloved?

 

 

© Mercy Desdemona 2013

Venting Book

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(found this in a notebook – I wrote this to myself when I was upset, I do this to calm myself down and think rationally about a situation.)

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

 

Shut up all of you! You think I don’t know the bills are due? I’m doing all I can. Working so many jobs and so many hours. My life on this hamster wheel has taken me down a path of depression, self loathing, and deep regret. Losing myself within the stress. I can’t even find the voice that once was mine. Oh the horror and the shame. A young lass giving up the game. Bitch, I don’t give up. I succeed… and get even.

 

Pain deep within my stomach. Puking up last nights dinner. No breakfast. Drive to work. Little pay. Fill gas tank. Waste of the day. I can’t stand this! Where is the art? Where is the beauty? Where is the young lass that I once was? How did I become to ugly? So cold. So emotionless.

Hatred instead of love. Push and shove.

Beat the fuck out of you. Just beat it!

 

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

You’re such a bitch sometimes. You’re so dumb. Now you’re proud of yourself you’re fine. Consumed by technology.

Gave your heart to everyone and they took it away. Took your listening ear and abused it.

 

Your life stopped being about you and your happiness.

You’ve sacrificed yourself!

STOP IT YOU DUMB BITCH!

Do I have to fucking slap it out of you?!

 

WAKE UP!

 

JUST WAKE UP! STOP TAKING THEIR SHIT!

YOU’VE GOT AN AMAZING FAMILY AND A GREAT BOYFRIEND. STOP SACRIFICING YOUR SOUL TO “FRIENDS” THAT ARE NEVER THERE UNLESS THEY NEED SOMETHING! THOSE AREN’T FRIENDS! TAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN ADVICE!

 

STOP BENDING BACKWARDS FOR PEOPLE THAT AREN’T IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE! THEY DON’T GIVE TWO HELLS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

KEEP THE CIRCLE ROLLING AND YOU’LL SUCCEED.

YOUR BOYFRIEND LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!

YOUR FAMILY IS THERE FOR YOU!

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSRON!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL – EVEN IF YOU NEED YOUR BRACES! YOU’LL GET THERE!

YOU’RE A KICK ASS CHICK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD YOUR STRENGTH.

EVEN IF THERE ARE TIMES IT DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY…

 

BRUSH OFF THE DIRT AND GET BACK UP.

BECAUSE YOUR SOUL….

IS STRONG!

 

DON’T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS SOUL ON THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER.

MAKE FILMS. JAM WITH THE BAND. BRING HOME THE BACON. SUCCEED!

DO IT! YOU’VE GOT IT DEEP INSIDE YOU! EVEN THOUGH YOU FEEL ALONE.

 

KICK LIFES ASS SO YOU CAN GROW OLD GRACEFULLY AND WITH NO REGRETS!

CHAINS AND SHACKLES BE GONE!

What am I to do?!

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I’m not doing to well my creeps. My chances of getting funding for my family’s business is really slim due to the fact that I have “young” credit. I don’t know what to do at all. I could go to the local bank I guess… but I keep hearing I need a co-signer. I don’t have anyone. This business is crucial to my family’s situation! I feel like I failed my family and I can’t do anything. 

Jesus Christ

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I’m mean.
I’m hateful.
I’m full of sin.

Your cross can’t save me.
From the demon within.

Burn your bible.
Dismiss your tricks.

Your words mean nothing.
Behind a clenched fist.

You worry about my sanity.
When you preach to hate vanity.
Your pope sits on a throne.
The Vatican his home.

You worry about my sanity.
Least I don’t try to be perfect.
For a make believe king in the sky.

I’m mean.
I’m hateful.
I’m full of sin.

Your cross can’t save me.
From the demon within.

Burn your bible.
Dismiss your tricks.

Your words mean nothing.
Behind a clenched fist.

NO! I DON’T HAVE 15 MINUTES TO TALK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST!

© Mercy Desdemona 2013

Judgement Day

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It’s amusing how people act when they aren’t in your shoes. They become know it all and almighty. They put themselves up on a pedestal if which their order is correct and because you don’t agree you are seen as less than them or less intelligent. I have to take a moment to tell you what I think about this individuals — They are pathetic. Individuals that take the time to judge a person based upon their situations without trying to understand are idiots.

A good friend or individual would take the time to listen to your situation without judgements or pedestals. They’d offer good advice and try to aid the situation. Not bash you down and drag you into the dirt. Putting their boot on your face as you gasp for air. These individuals aren’t capable of compassion — and their attempt at compassion is fraudulent. They do it because to please what society would love but not because its from their heart.

We walk amongst a truly selfish and unemotional society. Where it’s hard to tell the true hearted people from the con-hearted people. Con-Hearted people use scapegoats for their wrongdoing so they can justify their actions. Hide behind a mask as they spit on you. I found out that I am currently surrounded by a lot of them.

I shall put my foot down. My life and situations, decisions aren’t harming a soul. If anything, I’ve bent over backwards to be there for people that claimed to be my friends. Not anymore. I have a caring boyfriend and my family that’s there for me. I have goals to accomplish and dreams to keep my life alive. Just because I have different political, religious and many other different views than you doesn’t mean you have the right to “spit” upon me. I at least, can admit my mistakes and learn from the ups and downs of life. Life isn’t all structured. Not every second can be planned in a notebook and be perfect. I have struggles, I’m NOT perfect. I am human. Just like you. Step off your high horse and get back to reality. Because in the end, you’ll end up being alone. Lonely and afraid.