Eegah (1962) – Review
** Possible Spoilers**
While checking out the Creepster.tv channel (http://www.creepster.tv/), my boyfriend and I stumbled upon this 1962 film. During the opening credits, it seems as if you’re about to watch a sitcom you’d watch on television that included a caveman. We begin by seeing teenager, Roxy getting into her fancy automobile to meet up with the ever so pretty, Tom at the gas station, inviting him for a late night swim.
Roxy looks like she could be older than a teenager and is quite the snippy lady. On her drive to the meet up with Tom, she runs into the giant caveman, which mumbles some words and looks at her car as if it’s some foreign contraption. Whilst examining the car and the promiscuous Roxy, he hears the car horn, which causes him to go bazurk. He proceeds to make Oooga Booga noises and runs off when pretty boy Tom pulls up in his automobile. Needless to say, when Young Roxy says she’s seen a giant – people think she’s one marble away from the looney bin.
This film is full of that crappy lovey dovey music which is played by Tom on his apparently magical guitar – who knew you could play two chords and have a full song complete with background singers come out -Marvelous guitar technologies of the early sixties. While Roxy is going around in the pool – we both envisioned a fat man coming down the slide and crushing her annoying presence. Apparently, it’s some serious business when you promise on your Elvis LP. Roxy seems to have a sexual relationship with the pool water and her hair-do looks like a powered wig style would be without the powder.
So, Roxy, her father, and pretty Tom make there way to the desert to find this giant (in fine clothing mind you) to find a footprint of sir caveman. This is when the adventure apparently begins. Roxy’s character makes me want to hit her over the head with the caveman’s club. Snooty, arrogant, and downright stuck up rich chick that just has an annoying presence. Her boyfriend, Tom is quite the pretty boy and looks like he could pass off for a 12 year old. Roxy on the other hand looks like she could be Tom’s older sister.
Seriously, why do all these rich people go about flying around in their creepy looking helicopters to find out if the caveman exists? Is this what rich people do with their money? Are they that bored? Do you want a cup of tea while you explore the desert in your fine dining wear? This story is very slow as I’m typing this review while I’m re-watching it with my sir and I already have this much written. This goes to show you how much this film keeps you on your toes… doesn’t it?
I’m sure this movie is going to be rated about 5 ½ dead babies. I say this because the cheese factor is marvelous. Roxy’s father makes a crappy exploration man. Wearing his complete all white shorts and shirt ensemble complete with gray sun hat and black boots he sure speaks for all explorers with his fancy attire. Mr. Roxy’s father runs into the caveman and goes missing so Roxy and Tom make their way to the desert in their buggy and start doing donuts in the sand out of their severe concern. After a bunch of “Wee!” and orgasm noises – we see them at camp again with Tom’s magical guitar and hear his crappy tunes.
Roxy and Tom have a bunch of useless bitching at each other and all that couple crap. They decide to sleep in the desert because they don’t know where Roxy’s father is. Needless to say, this film is making me speechless by having me give you the play-by-play complete with sarcastic remarks. While Tom is playing the magical guitar – the caveman hears the sound of his music and is led to where they are camping. This 90 – minute film feels like it’s 900 minutes. So the caveman follows the sound and I hoped he was going to break Tom’s magical guitar. Because really, those hits just need to stop being sung. It makes me feel to perky. Perky must die! Die perky! And Tom! You could at least PRETEND to whistle!
I don’t see why people would want to go hunt a gigantic caveman. I mean, leave the dude alone. He’s perfectly content being all like – EERR EERRR ERR! MAHFLUGHLA FLUFFBUTTTOOOLAH! So why pester the poor fella? It’s not like he intentionally wanted to scare Roxy. He’s just all like – I’m too big to fit in a house so I be all caveman like. Ooga Booga! LET ME BONK YOU ON THE HEAD! I’m sure we’ve seen worse behavior from people that go to bars.
So the caveman steals Roxy because he likes the way she looks apparently. Because she is dressed like some hooker – he takes her into his cave where her father is laying there with a potentially broken clavicle. The dialogue in this film is some-what decent. You can tell that it was attempted to be something awesome. No, I don’t hate this film – I actually enjoy it quite a bit I mean come on – 5 ½ dead babies. The caveman looks at them both while Roxy’s dad tries to discuss how he and the caveman are friends. Why on earth would someone be scared of a giant human? He’s a human not a rattlesnake with venom. So what he could crush you with one hand, there’s nothing wrong with that.
So basically, the caveman takes a fancy to Roxy. And her dad is just letting him feel her all up and look for lice. Nothing says I fancy you than a lovely lice check and grope in front of papa. The caveman talks to his mummified family because he doesn’t realize that they have passed on. I honestly, feel sorry for the fella because it’s not like he knows any better and of course these rich people look down at him for being different. [Especially the ever so annoying, Roxy] Her father is actually being compassionate to this giant human being. Roxy is introduced to his family and you can kinda tell the dialogue was supposed to be somewhat comical.
Roxy has to take a nom of whatever caveman cooks over the flame and she gives the same look a rich hooker would give a happy meal. Complete disgust. She keeps bitching every two seconds that drives me nuts. The depth of the script for the caveman is heart-wrenching. His words speak to the soul in some eerie way. He does amazing caveman artwork amongst the walls.
Caveman is the last remaining giant because the sulfur in his cave kept him alive in some weird manner and mummified his dead family. Poor Tom is still out and about trying to find miss Roxy in a complete whining manner. He doesn’t seem all to serious in finding her and quite frankly his voice lacks the sense of puberty. Why do they always make the giant guy the bad one and not the bitchy teenage slut? Watching Tom run around with a shot gun is quite comical. I think if he had to use the thing he’d just fly backwards like some form of looney tune.
The Caveman is bringing home flowers for the creepy Roxy because he thinks she is his mate while Tom is still on the prowl for such a thing. Roxy and the caveman bond after shaving off his beard. Nothing says romance than a lovely beard trimming. Tom is stuck out in the desert while a bunch of cute animals that make me want to cuddle them! Reptiles are so lovely. Roxy gave the caveman a make over and starts to give him a flirty smile. The caveman is attracted to her perfume and starts wanting to just be with her. Caveman tries to mate with her but fails because her dad is watching so they go outside. Roxy tries to get away and Tom is around with the shot gun probably thinking caveman wants to kill her instead of love her. Roxy looks like she’s enjoying the caveman undressing her and not trying to get away at all as she returns the loving gaze back at him. Her father makes his way out of the cave to see the two of them together. Caveman wants to protect Roxy from her father but is shot by pretty Tom but Roxy is the one that is hit.
Clearly, this poor giant fella only wants to protect and care for Roxy. But his lack of language skills makes it impossible for anyone to trust him in any way. Caveman saw the gun hurt Roxy and broke it while Tom tries to punch the caveman to pieces. Only one slap of the caveman and pretty boy Tom is down – on a side note my cat is running around my living room like a dumbass – back to the film, Tom and Roxy accompanied by her father get away from Eegah. Poor Eegah watches as they go away into the distance. All he wanted was someone to care for. It’s sort of sad, because you see in Roxy’s eyes at the end she did care for caveman and he’s stuck there to die alone being the last one ever. I’m not honestly sure this should be placed under horror films at all. It’s not really a scary tale but more of one that deals with the human self now that I’m looking at it.
Caveman goes back to talk to his mummies and try to figure out what just happened. He had his first and probably only friend zone as I doubt anyone went out into the desert to befriend this creature. I think Eegah realizes that his family is dead at one point because he sets out to look for something living. EEGAH is the best thing heard shouted. The music is quite catchy and lame. I want something chocolate. Maybe a cake. Or a cookie. Or a cupcake. Or just a fucking bottle of chocolate syrup.
Anyway, Check out the film: Eegah!
Blood & guts